I’ve spent the last few Super Bowl commercial reviews critiquing late capitalism and pining for the return of an ad campaign that can truly reunite this fractured nation, like Bud Bowl. But I haven’t gotten mad online, and I haven’t nerded out.
Super Bowl commercials 2018: Look, the Black Panther wouldn’t be caught dead in a damned Lexus
It’s a nice car. But we’re talking about the King of Wakanda, who goes to the bathroom in a toilet made out of vibranium. He isn’t driving anything that comes off an assembly line. THIS ISN’T CANON.
Until now.
Let’s clear about something: That looks like a really, really nice car. I drive a 2005 Toyota Corolla, and there’s no weatherstripping on the driver’s side window, so whenever I drive on the freeway, it makes a sound like PHUBBAPHUBBAPHUBBAFRRRRSSSHH that my doctors say will give me tinnitus. I would plant drugs on the members of your immediate family and call the police if it would get me that car. It would be a nicer automobile than anything I’ve ever driven.
But T’Challa isn’t driving a damned Lexus. He is not going to sit in this thing and think, “Oh! My stars! My phone’s Bluetooth just ... connects? Automatically?” He was driving a car like this in 1971. By 1979, he was annoyed with Bluetooth connecting whenever it feels like it, just like the rest of us, and he had moved on to a stereo he can control with his mind. T’Challa looks at this Lexus and thinks of his first car in high school, the hand-me-down he got for his 16th birthday.
A Lexus. Come on.
I suppose the connotation is that one of the richest, most technologically savvy superheroes ever created would pick this Lexus over every other car because that’s what rich, technologically savvy people would pick. Which makes sense! It’s a nice car, I’m sure. Except T’Challa has a ROCKET CAR that goes 300 mph and turns into a HOVERCRAFT whenever he needs it to, and it probably has ZERO EMISSIONS because he’s figured out how to do that and EXTRA CUPHOLDERS for whenever he’s riding with a slovenly American. Probably. At least, he does in the stories I’ve written, which aren’t canon. But should be.
You know who would drive a Lexus off the lot at MSRP? Reed Richards. Dude would sign 30 pages of contract while trying to solve the Riemann hypothesis in his head, and he wouldn’t care. He’d be thrilled with the luxury that a Lexus provides. As would most of us.
But T’Challa makes his own cars, dammit. And they would absolutely blow your freaking mind.
Now I can’t sleep.
Is this commercial worth $7.7 million?
At $12 a ticket, I would have to see Black Panther 641,667 times for the movie to break even, and I’m planning on it. So there you go.
Except, wait, I’m supposed to buy a Lexus because of this commercial? I can’t do that. Fellas, I’d really like to help you out, but I can’t do that.
Still, anything associated with this movie will grab attention, so I don’t know. It’s certainly not a very witty or fun commercial, which seems like a shame. They started one of the greatest comic-book characters of all time — Bruce Wayne, but with a backstory you actually care about — and he was reduced to backflipping into sunroofs.
Now I really can’t sleep.
If Lexus wanted to send me a car to prove that it’s something T’Challa really would drive, I’m open to that. Closed minds are nobody’s friend.
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