I can’t stop looking at Sean McVay’s beard

The Los Angeles Rams have lost two in a row after starting the season 11-1. The first loss was a low-scoring struggle with the Chicago Bears where the Rams’ offense seemed to be exposed by a filthy Bears defense. The second loss: A loss to the Eagles where the Rams’ defense allowed a struggling Philadelphia attack to finally get on track.

These are troubling trends for the Rams. I don’t care about either of them. I would, however, like to talk about Rams head coach Sean McVay’s beard.

Before we go to the film and pick it apart: It is definitely a beard with strong fundamentals. I can’t deny that. Give McVay three weeks without shaving and he’d look like an extra from Game of Thrones. You can see that beard being incinerated by dragon’s fire, but not before noting how solid a beard it was, right? It’s good from the roots, solid and full.

Unfortunately for McVay, it’s also a beard that grows right up to his eyeballs. In football terms, it’s got range — almost too much range, really. Like a safety who can cover a little too much ground, that beard can be trouble if given too much room to roam. It could easily be the Ed Reed of beards — ironic because Reed’s current beard, much like Reed the player, is a study in controlled chaos. (Look at that chin growth. It’d get out of hand fast.)

Anyone coaching this beard is going to have to rein it in a little for the benefit of the whole system. And McVay, being a coach, definitely has a system going here. Note the hair, plastered in place with enough pomade to keep a headset from falling off his head. A mighty fortress is McVay’s hair: His product, never failing.

That beard line, though: It’s mesmerizing. It is a video game character’s beard, laid over his face like it was cut from a stencil. That is a magical golden ratio type shape he’s got going on there. That beard isn’t shaved. It’s enforced.

Scouting-wise, it could probably use some length to distract from the over-management. A beard is not a topiary, Sean. It needs some length to look more natural and less like a decal. Not too much, Sean: Like any game plan, balance is important. If growth is the run game and shaving the pass, then right now this beard is running the Air Raid, and the safeties are playing twenty yards off the ball in Cover 2.

Some free advice from someone who has had every possible variation of beard, Sean: Run the ball a little. Establish some balance, and let that ginger face take some small gains by letting it grow out for a week. Then, go over the top for a truly magnificent score with the next trim.

Bonus points: taking three or four minutes less grooming? More time to watch film, coach. It’s not negligence to let it grow out a little. It’s “enhancing beard recovery in the name of overall system efficiency.” See? Everything can benefit from a little coaching, especially if you don’t want to end up with A.J. Styles’ beard.