A short track relay of writers explain short track relay speedskating

To capture the brilliance and madness of the Olympics short track speedskating relay event, three SB Nation writers are going to recreate the format of short track speedskating relay in a blog. At least we’re going to try to do that.

Whitney: I turned on the men’s short track 5000m relay qualifying race right as it kicked off, which did not afford me any buffer time to understand what the heck was happening on the ice, other than that they were skating an arbitrary distance, there were multiple people involved, and there was butt shoving.

Yes, butt shoving. Here, you can see it in action:

It took until about 10 laps in — those laps tick by fast!! — for me to understand the way teammates were waiting on the infield (in ... ice?) of the track to switch out with their racing counterparts on the track, and the way they were strategizing when to pass and when to chill out and continue trailing other teams.

It’s wild. There are people skating outside competing and inside gearing up — much like my colleagues Nate and Caroline are right now doing the blogging equivalent of warming up. It’s tough, but once I understood the situation and who the better teams were, I was ALL IN.

*** BUTT SHOVE ***

Caroline: Short track speedskating is arguably the sport I would choose out of ALL the Winter Olympic sports if I could pick to be amazing at something. On its own (as in relatively normal racing with only a manageable four people on the ice), speedskating is a beautiful work of art as durably spandex’d athletes look super casual as they round the rink. NOW MULTIPLY THAT BY FOUR.

We’re talking 16 power-quad’d men (or women, depending) running a three-man weave on steroids WHILE WEARING GIANT DANGEROUS BLADES ON THEIR FEET. Somehow, it turns into a gorgeous ballet that could should be set to something by Tchaikovsky.

*** BUTT SHOVE ***

Nate: There is beauty in this sport, yes, and danger, and spandex. Dear lord, spandex. But it’s also madness. There are so many skaters going, inside and outside the track, around and around, all in skin-tight spandex and helmets, all looking more or less the same — it’s hysteria. Meanwhile, there’s one judge in the middle who’s supposedly keeping track of all this, and I’m saying right now: There is zero chance that judge in the middle has any idea what’s going on.

Here is my question: What’s to stop anyone from cheating?! If I’m a short track speedskating team, I am absolutely having my best skater sneak in and skip ahead of a weaker teammate. Or am I? [Coyly winks at the IOC and mouths, “You’ll never catch me, COPPERS!”] At least I think it would be easy to cheat. I don’t really know. Related: I discovered this sport existed like 45 minutes ago.

*** BUTT SHOVE ***

Whitney: It didn’t take us long at all to get into a cheating conversation, but honestly, that’s probably why I loved trying to figure out what the heck was going on at all times. There’s a thin enough line between “I think I understand this sport’s whole deal,” and “wow, there is some real chicanery that could be happening here, and I could have no idea because they’re moving so fast,” and also, I just rediscovered this sport after four years of completely forgetting speedskating exists.

The excitement that comes from not reaaaaally knowing what in the high heavens is happening on a small patch of ice is a unique kind of excitement, though. It’s all swinging limbs and butt shoving and making possibly-but-I’m-not-sure illegal contact when passing other skaters. If I’m being honest, there was also a lot of WHAT IF SOMEONE CUTS SOMEONE ELSE’S FINGER OFF WITH A SKATE OH GOD (turns out they wear Kevlar under their spandex to avoid exactly that,) AND OH GOD WHAT IF SOMEONE CUTS SOMEONE ELSE’S FACE OFF WITH A SKATE OH GODDDDDDD happening in my kitchen.

***BUTT SHOVE***

Caroline: The first 20 laps of the ungodly amount go pretty casually, or as casual as one can be with world-class athletes propelling themselves in circles in extremely close vicinity to other world-class athletes. As the laps start to dwindle, the drama skyrockets. The jockeying for position happens in the blink of an eye.

How can the people getting butt shoved know where to get to be butt shoved? How much training does that part take? How do you train without a full 12 other people there to ensure maximum chaos?

There’s this incredible balance in speedskating relays. Slight “hey, buddy, I’m here” touches are utilized throughout, but those quickly turn into “HEY, PAL, THIS IS MY LANE” in an instant. Success and blade-filled wipeouts are separated by literal millimeters of space.

***BUTT SHOVE***

Nate: Caroline brings up a wonderful point about the balance and grace needed for this sport, but here’s something else I think we all need to realize: Teams are penalized if you knock over another competitor. Which leads me to my next way to, uh, let’s say gain an advantage in this sport. You get me in a short track speedskating race, I’m channeling my decades of soccer experience and diving like you’ve never seen before. You even tap me, I’m going down like a sack of bricks, arms flailing to the heavens. I’ll scream. I don’t give a shit. You steer clear or I’m going down, and trust me, as someone who got questionable penalty decisions for years — I’m getting the call more often than not.

You may say that’s against the spirit of short track speedskating, to which I reply: I learned about this sport 45 minutes ago. That’s what makes me so dangerous to the world of short track speedskating. I have no respect for its honor and traditions. I’m out here for glory. I’m clawing tooth and nail. I’ll fall down and clutch my ankle if you even breathe near me. I’ll go full Arjen Robben. I’m getting you DQ’ed, and I’m leading our team to greatness. YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, IOC.

*** BUTT SHOVE ***

Whitney: Even after all of those laps of watching them go around and around and around and around and around and around and around and passing someone and go around and around and around and around, it didn’t get any less exciting to watch them dip and turn and hug the corners as they tried to secure the top two qualifying spots. My mind was going a million miles a minute just watching them like:

CAN THE USA DO IT?

NO THEY CANNOT

BUT THAT’S OKAY

HUNGARY SEEMS NICE TOO

WHENEVER I DO A COUNTRIES OF THE WORLD QUIZ, I ALWAYS REMEMBER HUNGARY SO I COULD BE A FAN OF THEM FOR SURE. LET’S BE FRIENDS, HUNGARY, I’M VERY LOVABLE

OH DAMN THAT ONE GUY FROM JAPAN JUST ATE IT

I COULD STILL GO FOR A TACO RIGHT NOW

Do you think any of these skaters are allowed to eat tacos ever?

Oh no, now I’m sad.

Aw man ... I bet their butt shoves are so amazing because they don’t ever eat tacos.

OH GOSH FOUR LAPS LEFT HAVE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT TACOS

WE’RE COMING DOWN TO THE WIRE AND EVEN THOUGH IT’S QUALIFYING THIS IS SO EXCITING AND NO ONE HAS EVEN LOST A FINGER TODAY, THAT SEEMS LIKE A WIN FOR EVERYONE EVEN THE PEOPLE THAT LOST.

What a wild ride that all was. Can’t wait to watch another race or two of short track relay, continue to freak out, and then forget about it just enough before the next Olympics that I get just as absurdly excited about this manic, balletic sport the next time I watch.

***BUTT SHOVE***

Caroline: There is no better finishing move than the toe jut in speedskating (I’ll even allow for long track speedskating to be counted here, even though they’re so dramatically different ... nobody is wiping out and taking three others with them in long track). Anyway, back to short track relays ... Can you imagine if they used a baton? What a nightmare. What if one got dropped? What would that do to the blades? Sorry, staying on topic.

Here are the racing finishes ranked:

The lean-forward dive in track and field is a very solid finish. It’s got nothing on the sassy skate-first finish we got to see today. Athletes go from power skating to super casual leans in a matter of seconds, inching their blades over the line. Every close race has to be examined with a freeze frame that would make Abraham Zapruder envious. Short track speedskating is the best, and I hate that I forget it exists every four years.

***BUTT SHOVE***

Nate: The ends to these races are beautiful, but I’d argue what’s even cooler is how they hold that toe point pose right through the conclusion of the race, and then stick their hands up if they won. The end of every race should have Joe Jackson’s “Steppin’ Out” playing in the arena, and the skaters just point down to their skate and be like oh shit yeah you saw that. My toe won that thing.

Considering I’ve taken every turn to desecrate this sport, let’s just shoot the moon here: We need more celebrations and grandstanding. I’d take off my skate and run it in a slashing motion across my neck while pointing at my competitor. After I fell in a blatant dive to earn my team a trip to the finals, I’d make horrified, pained faces at the center judge and then wink at the person who “tripped me” when they got penalized. I would be the enfant terrible of short track speedskating, and you would feel my wrath. NOW POINT YOUR TOE, NATE. YES. ACROSS THE LINE. WE DID IT.