Super Bowl commercials 2018: Use Sprint or robots will laugh at you

Imagine trying to convince somebody to stop paying money for a pine cone because they could spend just as much money to get all the benefits of a different pine cone. This is the job of every data carrier. They’re all just the same damned pine cone, except they’re pine cones you can watch movies on. What an uphill battle.

Here’s Sprint’s argument to get your business: If you don’t, robots will laugh at you.

The implicit argument is that Sprint is just one percent less reliable than Verizon, but they’re cheaper. That message is just buried in robots laughing at you, a simple idiot. I’d prefer an ad that beat me over the head with the idea that Sprint is cheaper without admitting defeat when it comes to reliability. It’s not like I’m on the J.D. Power and Associates’ Facebook page to see what networks are ranked where. I’ll just guess and hope that you offer me six free phones for a 13-year subscription or something.

Just charge me whatever you’re going to charge me. I don’t care. I give up. You own me. Just like Coca-Cola and Amazon, you own a piece of everything I need to slog through the day, collecting reward pellets and pretending that I’m fulfilled before I die, alone and forgotten. Charge me whatever fees you want and stop arguing, phone companies. You’ve won. Make the robots stop laughing at me.

The robots will never stop laughing at me. I am damned. The robots will never stop laughing at me.

It’s hard to see how. It’s not memorable or particularly funny, and it’s not like I can tell any of these companies apart anyway. There’s the “can you hear me now” guy in this one, and that’s kind of the perfect metaphor for the whole arms race. Not sure which company he was representing back then, not sure which company he’s representing now.

Maybe I’m not the best person for this job.