Super Bowl commercials 2018: Do you believe in equality and babies? Buy T-Mobile.

OK, so this is most certainly an ad:

It’s a bunch of babies from all over the world, all different walks of life, and you want them to be happy. I want them to be happy. We can all agree that these babies deserve the best in life, as do all babies.

Buy T-Mobile.

It’s that ... yeah, it’s that last step that I’m having a problem with. Because I agree with the message. Doesn’t matter what you look like, what country you’re from, what your parents do or how much they make, you deserve an equal chance at happiness and prosperity.

And you’re, uh, going to need good, reliable, and affordable phone coverage when you get there, eh? Right? When you’re a prosperous baby, you’ll need a good phone.

Buy T-Mobile.

Even though they’re more or less the same as all the other demon phone companies that would lock you into a usurious contract if the laws allowed it.

But they like babies. And Nirvana? It’s complicated.

I hate pointing out this commercial’s fake activism because it makes me unwitting allies with dinks like this:

People who can unironically use the term “social justice warrior” as an epithet hate this commercial. Which means I should love it. That’s the only proper knee-jerk response, right? To love the commercial that the awful people hate?

Buy T-Mobile.

Let’s just all agree that it’s always a bad idea to use a “the world is screwed up, and we’re against that: buy this unrelated product” conceit. Because if Socialism Hater watched the same ad for T-Mobile, but it was in support for, I don’t know, keeping Chief Wahoo around, they would probably be all for it. We’re not agreeing on anything.

“The world is screwed up, and we’re against that: Buy this unrelated product” is always stupid. You have sacrificed nothing, and we do not acknowledge your brand’s struggle.

Oh, wait, I guess they did sacrifice something.