Bartolo Colon is still perfect in my heart, Khris Davis is an instant meme, and Dan Vogelbach is a thunderous lad

Happy Monday, baseball friends. It’s hard for anyone to catch every last morsel of baseball news throughout the week, and I’m not going to pretend that I’m any different. But I can round up every last morsel of baseball that’s important to me and pass it along.

In this week’s installment, we have [furrows brow] Shohei Ohtani doing impressive things again? Aren’t you tired of this guy already? Seems like he’s a bit of a show-off.

But before we can get to that, we have to remember that ...

There was a time last year when it was clear that Bartolo Colon’s career was over. He was a sensible signing for the Braves, but his performance was a disaster. The Twins picked him up for free, and he was kinda sorta OK, but his ERA for the entire season was 6.48. He was 44 and shaped like Totoro, which usually isn’t a great combination for a free agent. The odds were poor that he would be 43 and in better shape the following season. It was fun to watch Colon for decades, but the ride was almost definitely over.

BARTOLO, YOU BEAUTIFUL CREATURE, YOU’RE BACK. For at least a game, that is. On Sunday, the world watched as Colon was perfect into the eighth inning against Justin Verlander, and even though he lost the lead and didn’t make it out of the inning, we’re reminded that baseball is good, actually.

This isn’t going to be the most original angle to take on Colon, but it is more necessary than ever. Baseball is good, actually, because a grinning 44-year-old with questionable conditioning who has nothing in his arsenal but different 90-mph fastballs can still mow down the best collection of hitters in Major League Baseball, one right after the other. Colon was facing Verlander, the archetype of a starting pitcher and someone who was given a disproportionate portion of big, lanky, and strong.

But because baseball is the best sport, Colon was capable of complete domination, and with any luck, he will be next year, too. The other North American sports have the potential for long-timers — I ran through whole seasons with Jaromir Jagr in NHL ‘94 when I was in high school, and he only just left — but you’ll never see anyone with this profile. It’s possible, for instance, that Tom Brady will play until he’s 45, but in order to do that, he’ll have to drink seven gallons of chickpea milk every day and have the body of a 25-year-old.

Colon will have to look like Colon and throw different variations of the same pitch, over and over again, right where he wants to. It never stops being remarkable. The man is a walking sonnet, written just for me, and my heart runneth over. What a fine example of just how far baseball can bend without breaking.

Plus, we were treated to this delightful scene as Colon left the field:

That’s Colon calling out/appreciating former teammate Josh Reddick, who broke up the no-hitter with a sharp double, and it’s a nifty slice of sportsmanship. However, it’s included here because Colon’s torso reminds me of the Iron Giant.

It’s the angle of the belt and the gray, I suppose. But it was haunting me all night.

He did this, in which we’re reminded that the dude is fast:

Not only is Ohtani a strapping individual who can hit baseballs incredibly far and throw them incredibly fast, but he’s also as fast as Kenny Lofton in his prime, give or take. He is the most unfair baseball player I’ve ever seen, and it’s impossible to get enough.

Ah, therein lies my only quibble about the Shohei Ohtani experience: It really is hard to get your proper fill. He got just 14 plate appearances all week and didn’t make a start. A huge part of his limited activity is that his scheduled start was rained out on Sunday, but the larger point stands. With such a unique player comes a unique schedule and workload. He will be a hitter for three or four games every week, he will be a pitcher for one game every week, and he probably won’t do both on the same day.

We’re just looking a gift horse-falcon hybrid in the mouth-beak, though. If this is what we can expect, it’s more than enough. Another week passed, and we were treated to another wondrous example of what Shohei Ohtani can do on a baseball field. And, lo, it was impressive. The Shohei-o-Meter remains unchanged.

Shohei-o-Meter: half Tim Lincecum in his prime, half Bryce Harper

My only hesitation there is that he’s faster than Harper. Is there someone young and powerful, like Harper, but with top-level speed? There is, and he happens to stay in the same hotels as Ohtani on the road, but let’s keep that comparison in a glass case for now. For now, Ohtani is everything that we were promised, and the Angels are winning a whole bunch of games because of it.

It is high! It is far! It is gone! Somebody ... get this olive out of here and bring me a cocktail onion! I’m drinking a gibson tonight! A Kirk Gibson! As he sends the Dodgers home with a spectacular shot against Dennis Eckersley!

The Dodgers win! Theeeeuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Dodgers win!

Is it better than the actual call from Vin Scully? I suppose that’s up to you and your personal preferences, really. Gotta hear both calls.

This spot was reserved for Bryce Harper using two hair dryers at the same time, but that turned out to be a fake stunt in the service of a brand. The brands will come for us all, and no one will be spared.

The good news is this is MUCH BETTER. I would like to list the beautiful components of this otherworldly doink.

1. Right before the whiffle ball hits Javier Lopez in the face, Shawn Estes (a couple of months older than Bartolo Colon) is talking about launch angles. He’s telling the kid to swing for the fences with a moonshot swing.

2. The kid has an absolutely perfect swing, and he definitely knows about launch angles. That’s the kind of swing that’ll keep his parents from paying for college. He hasn’t hit his last broadcaster, I’m guessing.

3. If I had to narrow it down, I’d say that the ball hitting Javier Lopez in the face was one of my favorite parts of this clip.

4. Specifically, that Lopez didn’t have time to lift his arms even halfway up in defense.

doink

5. The best part, however? It might be toward the end of the video. You might have even closed the tab before it happened.

Hrmmmm, I’m going to go with “stomach” instead of “beans,” and that’s probably for the best. Lopez was a professional pitcher known for his command, and if he intentionally went for the beans because of his bruised pride, I’d be a little concerned about him being a sociopath. As is, the kid will be fine, and he deserved it. It’s an honor to be hit in the stomach by Javier Lopez, really.

This was a million-to-one video, and we’re blessed to watch it over and over again. In conclusion, I’m more convinced now than ever that one of my favorite parts was when the ball hit Lopez in the face.

You can’t tell from this picture, but the ground is covered in snow, and Christian Vazquez is yelling, “Yeeeeeeehaw!” as he’s whisked around the winter wonderland and fresh powder is spraying up, leaving a wake behind him. Everybody loves to get snow rides from everybody’s favorite large baseball malamud, Tyler Austin. Line up around the block, they will, kids and grownups alike. You haven’t lived until you’ve grabbed on to Tyler Austin and zipped through the snow

Tyler Austin doesn’t say much, but it’s my understanding that he loves it.

Unless this is a picture of a baseball fight, in which case, huh. The Yankees-Red Sox fight also gave us Joe Kelly in his first on-screen appearance as The Drunken Boyfriend:

He wants to know what you’re looking at. Choose your answer carefully. Actually, don’t even answer him. Just leave. Joey ... there’s something wrong with Joey, it’s not worth it.

If you want words about the baseball fight (or the other one), we have you covered. I will say that Austin’s spikes were too high and that the Rockies were hitting far too many Padres with baseballs in that series.

On the other hand, hitting people with baseballs on purpose is dumb.

On the other other hand, baseball fights sure are fun when nobody gets hurt.

I’m so torn.

Khris Davis has five home runs already, and he’s almost certainly going to threaten the 40-homer mark again. He deserves better than to be remembered as a meme. However, this is an age when one of the greatest basketball players ever is remembered by a new generation for being a crying face because of a meme.

If the meme lord can come for Michael Jordan, it can come for Khris Davis.

It came for Khris Davis. Because here’s a set of four photos, all taken by Jayne Kamin-Oncea, and they can be repurposed in just about any way for the meme of your choice. They’re so versatile because they tell a story. First, you have Hopeful Khris Davis:

Which is followed by Skeptical Khris Davis:

This is followed by Mildly Disgusted Khris Davis.

And it ends with Thoroughly Unamused Khris Davis:

But you don’t have to use all four! You can mix and match as you see fit. For example, pretend this was one of my wildly popular tweets that the people can’t get enough of:

When you find out that they’re making a Moon Knight movie vs. when you find out that Michael Bay is directing.

You don’t even have to use Thoroughly Unamused Khris Davis, remember. You can lop it off entirely.

When you’re admiring an attractive person walking their dog, and they stop, bend down, and let the dog lick them on the lips.

For my money, though, a simple triptych might be the best use of these faces. For example this was my progression of feelings when it came to Sean Penn’s book.

From left to right, it went from “ha ha, yessss, I get to roast a celebrity’s new book” to “oh my god, the prose is a million times worse than I expected, and I was already expecting it to be awful” to “it’s actually shameful that this entitled twit gets a platform for his misogynist twaddle just because he’s famous, especially when the attention and resources could have been spent on an unknown writer who deserved it.”

So take these memes and be plentiful, internet. They are a gift from the fine folks at Getty to you.

And that is all the time we have to spend on funny baseball faces this week. I’m sorry, but we’re fresh out of funny baseball f ...

(Click here for the video if you’re reading on Apple News.)

This isn’t all about Nelson Cruz’s face, though. This is mostly about Dan Vogelbach’s monster home run, which is absolutely gorgeous. That he is a beefy baseball boy is not lost on me. The fates conspired to take Kyle Schwarber away from us, so we needed a new champion. Here is our new champion.

Vogelbach is not Aaron Judge. He is not the current template, this new model of player who looks like they swallow a GNC and do squats 34 hours out of every 48. Give me the compact beefy baseball boys. Give me Matt Stairs, the Wonder Hamster, making us chuckle about his younger days at second base. Give me the old Schwarber. Give me Vogelbach swinging like someone who screams “VOGELBACH!” during the swing. Give me home runs from the left side that look like they’re going to land in the Sea of Tranquility.

And, please, please, please, give me home runs that make teammates look like this:

Yeah, I felt the same way. I’m not sure if I’ll have the patience or organization to rank the most aesthetically pleasing home runs of the season, but if I did, this would be a top-10 finisher, for sure. Swings are always prettier from the left side, home runs are always more majestic when they’re pulled high into the night, and power is always more impressive when it comes from a guy who looks like the bully in a high school movie.

There is no extra fee for watching that home run several times, you know.

I’ll write more about this later in the week, but I needed to get the headline off my chest.

Pat Neshek is one of the most entertaining relievers in baseball, a sidewinder with plus command and strikeout stuff who isn’t timid against lefties. He’s also a baseball card collector, and he recently pulled one of the rarest cards issued this year, an autographed Shohei Ohtani:

There are only 69 of these suckers, and Neshek got one. Amazing. And nice.

Also, can we stop to talk about how great it is when baseball players collect baseball cards? I’d love to have that opportunity.

[rifling through open pack]

Let’s see ... OK, I didn’t have this Jason Kirk before. Definitely didn’t have this Sarkisova already ... a Godfrey ... ooh a Wilder. Wait, I got another Normandin? Man.

Still, not bad overall, though. No autographed Bois, of course, but I guess the odds are always low for one of those.

Neshek got the autographed Bois, so to speak! It’s his!

And he ... sold it.

I don’t like rich-shaming baseball players. After agents and taxes, the $38 million that Neshek will have made before he retires won’t seem quite as remarkable, and it will have to last him a lifetime. I know, boo hoo, but he’ll be merely wealthy, not buy-a-helicopter wealthy. He can’t have beach houses around the world; he’ll have to pick just one, and it will need to be relatively modest. He will have to be more judicious with his money than you think.

At the same time, we’re talking $6,000 to someone making over $7 million this year. This is roughly the same thing as me buying a video game. Which I do. Far too often. Except I don’t have millions left over.

Just keep the danged card. You snagged it against all odds.

Pat Neshek, treat yourself.

McGwire: 17 AB, 4 HR (8 total), .353/.560/1.118 for the season
Sosa: 22 AB, 1 HR (3 total), .311/.363/.473 for the season

After hitting three home runs on April 14th, Mark McGwire was hitting .404. After the season he had in 1997, split between both leagues for maximum attention, he was starting to become a thing. He was always gifted with tremendous power, but now he was showing off the benefits of an improved approach and eye.

Sosa was just a guy having a nice start to the season. If he were on my fantasy team, I would have tried to trade him to some unwitting sucker who didn’t realize this wouldn’t last.

I got that Sosa/McGwire truck in the mail last week, by the way.

Now what?

We have to set the rules, here. You can’t just switch letters on a name to make a winner, and original-sounding names make a good spoonerism that much harder. Pop Corkhill already sounds like a spoonerism, for example, which makes Cop Porkhill that much less funny. Rimp Lanier becomes Limp Ranier, which is kinda funny, except my dude was already named Rimp.

This is not always true, as Bartolome Fortunato is already a 70-grade baseball name, but Fartolome Bortunato becomes a 70-grade spoonerism. For the most part, though, it’s much harder to take a guy with a name like “Bump” and improve it with a spoonerism.

Unless you’re this guy:

It’s the sheepish face that gets me, like he’s fully aware of his reputation. “But I’m a good father,” he’ll mumble, while staring at his shoes and wishing you would just leave.

That’s OK, friend. We’re not here to judge. And, hey, maybe it’s one of those ironic nicknames, like when they call a big dude “Tiny!” You ever think of that?

Yes. Every day.

Well, good. Stay strong, Bump Hadley. Hopefully your teammates had no idea what a spoonerism was.