‘The Bachelorette’ Week 5: Camel rides, song writing, and a 2-on-1 — oh my!

We are five weeks into this season of The Bachelorette, and it’s refreshing to have this kind of SPORTS and the World Cup to help us cope with the late June sports deficiency.

In case you missed last week’s Bachelorette action, you can catch up here with the recap.

VEGAS, BABY! Becca and the fellas wandered through the desert of Nevada in search of love this week, as the entire posse traded the picturesque vistas of Utah for the glitz and glamour of The Strip.

The guys rolled through the lobby of the Aria shouting “LET’S GOOOO!” and “VEGAS, BABY!” as if all of their Las Vegas knowledge was curated through repeated viewings of The Hangover. It wasn’t aired, but there is no doubt in my mind that one of the guys referred to himself as a one man wolf pack at some point.

Through the first three-and-a-half minutes of the episode, they worked in FOUR gambling puns, and I’m 100 percent here for this.

Our lovable diet Brawny paper towel man Colton got the first one-on-one date of the week and met Becca at a Camel Safari outside of The Strip because they’re going to “get over the humps of their past relationships.” Get it? Get it? Gahhhh.

I don’t know if you have ever ridden a camel or been around them, but they aren’t the most romantic animals (that’s the penguin, duh ... they’re in little tuxedos) and, frankly, they stink. It’s a little rough for a date as the two camels don’t walk at the same speed and it makes conversation impossible.

After a steamy — both in action and actual temperature — make out session in a hot tub (yes, in the desert) Becca told Colton they were on the same page.

A hot tub in the desert sounds legitimately like my nightmare, but I start sweating as soon as the temperature hits 70 degrees, so maybe I’m not the best judge.

Becca showed interest in Colton, but also said, “My chemistry with Colton is good. I like this. I like him. A lot.” That seems like a good sign for our cherub-faced adult son.

During dinner on the second portion of their date, Colton told a story about his last relationship and how love is hard and all that normal dinner-date conversation, but the real thing I want to talk about is their post-dinner, post-rose ride through The Strip.

Colton and Becca take to the top of an open air bus as they cruise among the lights and sounds of Las Vegas. Maybe I’ve seen Con Air too many times (LOL. Just kidding. That’s impossible.), but I was horribly concerned about their safety standing up and going under these bridges:

I just want to see the paperwork that had to be submitted for them to be nonchalantly making out on top of a moving vehicle. Seems dangerous.

Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris were called for the group date, and the men quickly did the math to realize that meant one thing ... a two-on-one with Jordan and mortal enemy David the Chicken.

DUH! DUH! DUHHHHHHHHHH!

Two-on-ones are both the most awkward and most amazing things in Bachelor/ette history, but more on that later.

The guys pile in a limo for “the total Vegas experience,” while Garrett wonders if it will be a Chippendales situation. Heartbreakingly, it’s not, and the gentlemen pull up at an estate where Becca meets them at the end of a long driveway.

First of all, guys, what is happening here:

At first, I was distracted by Connor’s jeggings on the far left, wondering how he got his thicc thighs in those things. Then, I saw Wills in the romp-him and — oh, my God. That’s a bold choice, my man.

Becca announces that they’ll be spending time with WAYNE F**KING NEWTON, and right on cue, Wayne Newton rolls up in a big mood.

The guys are tasked with re-writing Wayne’s song “Danke Schoen”, which is the literal worst date imaginable. It did give us this image of Wayne singing AT his wife:

After a painful montage that involves Wayne checking in with everyone’s terrible progress, we find out that the guys are not only writing shitty “Danke Schoen” knockoffs, but they’re going to have to perform their shitty “Danke Schoen” knockoffs in front of a live, human crowd. I just have no patience for this type of group date. Why are you making them write songs? Why are you making them sing? Why are you making a room full of innocent people listen to this? Why do we have to listen to this?

Becca seemed to enjoy the disaster that was nine men yell-singing as Newton watched his legacy go up in flames before his eyes, so at least someone was getting something out of that. Venmo John is adorable though and he’s the best.

There were no winners. We are all losers in this situation.

The group moved the date to T-Mobile Arena, home of the 2018 Stanley Cup runner-up Las Vegas Knights (sports!). Garrett and Becca hung out in a suite as they overlooked the ice in an arena that was as empty as the Knights’ trophy case because, LET’S GO CAPS.

OK, sorry, moving on.

One week after Becca (rightfully) freaked out after Jean Blanc dropped the way-too-early “I’m falling in love with you”, Blake tells her the same and it leads to him receiving the rose from the group date.

This leaves Chris in the lurch as he came into the date feeling waaaayyyy too confident in his crappy performance of “Danke Schoen”. He got absolutely zero one-on-one time and started the threats of saying he was just going to take his ball and go home because the pretty lady didn’t talk to him.

OK, Chris. You do that.

The two-on-one is the greatest thing in reality TV, pitting two known enemies — who the producers have built up for weeks against each other — in a dramatic location. There have been some legendary two-on-ones in Bachelor TV history, including Bachelor Ben taking a set of twins on a date (yes, seriously) and then leaving Olivia alone on an island just a couple weeks later.

Becca takes Jordan and David to the Valley of Fire and tells them just to relax and have fun. Ha! Ha! OK, sure, Becca. I admire that she thinks they’re going to have a lovely fun time on their awkward date from hell. That kind of optimism is to be admired. Jordan immediately gets the upper hand as he yells “shotty” after Becca said she was taking the wheel: point, Jordan.

That was a power move, and my dude Jordan knows it:

David gets the first alone time of the date, and he spends all of it trashing Jordan. This goes against everything you learn in Bachelorette 101. Never talk about the other person. Talk about your relationship. Even if the nonsense he’s blathering about is true, you just come off as whiny and a snitch, and we all know what happens to snitches. Point, Jordan.

Jordan explains he did NOT say he thought getting with Becca was settling and OMG — blah blah blah. He opens up for the first time ever this season as he talked about his mother, who battles mental illness. Point, Jordan.

The two yell at each other while David sat on a four poster bed in the desert, once again giving Jordan the upper hand. Honestly, though, this looks like the most comfy way to be told you lack your own personality.

Becca drops the hammer, thankfully, saying she feels like this is sixth grade all over again with the pettiness and bickering. She mercifully dumps David, leaving him in the desert to think about what he’s done.

Look, Jordan is a doofus; but David is worse. Neither one of these guys are going to win this thing, but at least with Jordan we know what he is.

On their one-on-one dinner date, Jordan spends a lot of time talking about Jordan, which is clearly his favorite topic. Becca ends up telling him that despite him being super fun, it’s just not going to happen, so she parts way with our beautiful model quote machine.

Becca enjoys some solo fireworks as the rest of the men watch from the suite, assuming Jordan was staying. Then, this happens:

I would like this job. She took an elevator up to the mens’ suite, grabs a suitcase dramatically, and then a room full of men cheered. This seems like a great gig. Chris Harrison, call me. Ya girl is GREAT at dramatic suitcase grabbing.

Bad news for Chris. Now that Jordan and David have left, he has been exposed as the new guy in the house to hate. His insecurities turn to bravado, which is the most annoying outlet you can use. Turns out, Becca was surprised Chris didn’t take the initiative to come find her and make time, and Chris is annoyed because Becca didn’t single him out for some solo time. Meanwhile, I’m irritated that this conversation is still going on.

Becca is understandably annoyed that Chris’ immediate reaction to not getting time was to loudly proclaim “whatever, bro, I’ll just go home now.” Chris tries to take the initiative this time around, and he is promptly shot down by Becca who says she had juuuust sat down with Wills.

Chris somehow manages to make the rest of the evening miserable for everyone involved as he is either trying to walk back everything he had said to Becca or talking over the other guys or just generally complaining loudly. I miss Jordan already.

During the Rose Ceremony, Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln, Leo, Connor, and Chris get roses, leading to me audibly swearing as Venmo John is sent home in order to keep whiny Chris.

Farewell, my sweet app-creating prince. I shall think of you fondly when I send someone $9 for covering my margarita at happy hour.

Becca tells the remaining eight guys they’re heading to VIRGINIA next. Wills is stoked ...