‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 2: Dodge, dip, duck, dive, and dodge

Monday night was a big night in the sports world as the Washington Capitals and Vegas Knights squared off in Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals, and the MLB Draft got underway. The most important and highly-anticipated sporting event of the evening, however, was on ABC as Becca Kufrin continued her search for love as The Bachelorette.

Yes, it’s sports. If you missed it, you can catch up all the action with our Week 1 recap.

We pick up this week with Chris Harrison dropping off the first date card to the living room of hopeful suitors to get the action rolling.

Clay, Nick, Chris R., David the Chicken, Jean Blanc, Jordan the Model, Conor, and Lincoln receive date cards for the first group date. For those that aren’t part of the Bachelor/ette universe, this is where eight guys all vying for the same girl hang out together and fight for private time with her and she makes out with (nearly) everyone.

As I’m sure all of your dates go, the guys are ushered into a beautiful barn structure as Right Said Fred’s “Too Sexy” plays. Becca stays in the room and pops bottles of champagne as the guys change into their pre-measured tuxedos, astutely noting that “Lincoln is a block of muscle.”

Jordan, who can’t let the attention off of him for more than 12 seconds, reminds everyone he’s a model by ... modeling. He’s the model that punctuates his Sears catalog poses by saying “boom,” names his blank stare the “pensive gentleman,” and offers advice like telling Becca to put her confidence on before her socks, panty hose, and shoes in the morning.

Oh, my gosh. He’s actually Zoolander IRL.

As for the actual date, the guys have to compete in a messy obstacle course, which somehow will help Becca determine if one of them will make a good husband. Now, I’m not married, but my friends have never once mentioned having to climb a staircase covered in egg yolk and Crisco to prove their love.

The elements of the obstacle course are:

Clay, the NFL player, was cool, calm, and collected in the Cold Feet segment, calling upon his years of post-game ice baths to make everyone else look like total wusses. Lincoln wins a close race with David the Chicken, but as it turns out, Lincoln is a dirty, dirty cheater. He got out of the cold tub early, used his hands in the “mouth-only” cake eating, and elbowed David the Chicken in their race to the altar.

As my uncle always says, “if you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’,” so I say do what you gotta do, Lincoln.

Chris R. makes a comment about how he wants to treat her like he’d want his mom and sister to be treated, which is I guess a cute sentiment, but all I can see is this:

Then, the drama hits ... and by drama I mean eight grown-ass men have petty back-and-forth conversations about Lincoln’s victory picture with Becca from the obstacle course. I hate that I wrote that sentence as much as you hate having to read it.

First, Lincoln is talking to and kissing the picture. Like, having a conversation with it. I don’t care how much I liked someone, if I saw that, I’m getting a restraining order.

Connor takes exception to the framed photo repeatedly being “put in their faces,” so he throws it into the impeccable landscaping of whichever California mansion Chris Harrison rented for the weekend on ABC’s dime. Judging by the toss it seems our boy Connor has played some ultimate frisbee in his lifetime:

Honestly, I have no problem with Connor’s decision, minus breaking glass on the pool deck, which is just rude and inconsiderate to whomever now has to drain that pool to get the glass shards. Was it mature? No. Was Lincoln being super annoying? Yes.

[SCORE BREAK] CAPS SCORE! CAPS SCORE! AHHHHHHHHH! TJ OSHIE!

You know what women have no time for, especially on a show where there are 20 other options? Your bullshit. The look on Becca’s face says it all as Connor and Lincoln describe why the other isn’t there for the Right Reasons or how the guys were too mean.

After some quality one-on-one time with everyone’s favorite cologne enthusiast Jean Blanc (which involved some steamy smooches), Becca decided he would get her coveted group date rose to ensure he stuck around another week.

The next day, PictureGate continued as Lincoln tearfully explained to the other guys in the house how the picture was pretty much like a Medal of Honor for him. No, Lincoln. No.

Becca chooses Blake, the guy who showed up on an Ox, to escort her on her first solo date. Turns out Chris Harrison planned this date, and he knocked it out of the park. You guys, seriously, it’s the best fucking date ever.

First, when they show up, Chris Harrison is just hanging out like this:

Blake and Becca don the mandatory coveralls and Timberland boots they’ll need to destroy her memories of Arie and enter the warehouse to find it filled with Arie-related things like a race car, TVs playing his proposal to Becca, and the ACTUAL gray couch he dumped her on. Then, out comes ...

LIL’ JON.

Sure! They spend the next however many hours just breaking shit as Lil’ Jon yells “HIT IT WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER” and they blare “Turn Down for What.” I’m legitimately jealous. The next date I go one better have Lil’ Jon running a soundboard and feature me hitting champagne bottles with baseball bats or I’ll be very disappointed.

Blake seems very sweet, but the evening portion of their date was super boring as he shared a story about intercepting a text to his girlfriend while she was in the bathroom that tipped him off about getting dumped. I kind of blacked out during that part because the Caps went up 3-0 and that was way more interesting.

Becca certainly likes Blake because they made out in an alley after she gave him the rose.

Garrett, Ricky, John, Brian, Alex, Chris(ton, the Globe Trotter), Trent, Leo, Wills, and Colton all got their names called for the second group date. They enter a gym and are met by three adorable kids who make the dudes start running sprints and are mercilessly cruel in the way only tweens can be.

I didn’t know I needed a kid launching dodge balls at these suitors from a JUGS machine at 50 mph, and then yelling “TRASH” at them when they miss, but I did. I want this kid to follow me around and take down my enemies.

For the second part of the date, the guys dressed in University of Oregon rejected uniforms and played an intense version of a dodge ball competition in a trampoline Thunderdome. Chris Harrison was joined by Fred Willard (of Best In Show fame) to commentate the match, but kicked it all off with a story about a dodge ball game at a nudist colony.

This is outstanding television.

The weirdest part of the entire dodge ball date was the fact that — despite this being HER date — Becca had one of the worst seats in the place.

How does she not get a front-row seat? Why couldn’t she sit with Chris Harrison and Fred Willard? Who are the people that got better seats than her? Every time they cut to her, it was like spotting a friend on the Jumbotron at a game.

Leo, part of the pink team, had to carry his team like LeBron James in the playoffs and eventually fell to the highlighter green team, eliciting this celebration:

I’m assuming they had to wait 20 minutes for Becca to get out of her shitty seats to make it down to the celebration, though.

The evening cocktail party portion of the date started with Alex saying, “Becca’s got her shit together. I don’t normally go after girls with their shit together,” making that the realest thing a 30-something male has ever said on television.

Becca was pulled aside first by Garrett, the suitor who earned the first impression rose last week but was milkshake duck’d before the first episode was over. She clearly likes him, so I think he’s safe at least another week.

Colton drops a bomb to Garrett, sharing he had a relationship with Tia (a contestant who also vied for Arie’s heart last season). He tells Becca he and Tia spent a weekend together but there wasn’t a spark or flame. She clearly likes Colton a lot and this shook her.

Wills earns the group date rose and some smooches, guaranteeing him an appearance next week.

Becca kicks off the evening by greeting the men as her voice over-explains how unnecessarily dramatic the week was with PictureGate, the Tia revelation, and probably unexpectedly having to deal with newfound feelings for Lil’ Jon.

Clay pulls Becca outside first, and teaches her a touchdown dance that ends with a kiss, and goddamn if it wasn’t cute. Venmo John read something out of a book and also got a kiss. Connor makes amends for PictureGate with a dumb-ass picture of himself and makes Becca throw it into the pool, making it the second time the pool was ruined by this clown in two days.

Jordan thinks his best bet is to strip to his underwear and approach Becca, because he apparently believes women want to hangout with half-dressed men unexpectedly at cocktail parties (spoiler alert: we don’t).

Every season I become more and more convinced that this show and Chris Harrison are just trolling me and it’s an elaborate plot to waste an embarrassing amount of my life on this shit. The example of that this week: Jordan couldn’t be bothered to put his clothes back on, so during the Rose Ceremony he stands amongst the suited men with a fluffy pink blanket draped over his bare shoulders. I can’t wait for him to be stranded on an island during a two-on-one date later in the season.

Damn you, ABC, you know I can’t quit you.