The Disney Channel Original movie ‘Brink!’, reviewed

Hello. I, Harry Lyles Jr., will review a different Disney Channel sports movie every Thursday on SB Nation. For the purpose of nostalgia and saving you time so you don’t have to watch these movies yourself (though I encourage you watch them anyway for your own entertainment), I’ll briefly run down my favorite moments.

Brink! (1998) was the third Disney Channel original movie ever created and it is both good and bad. It’s about rollerblading (inline skating is the proper term here, I believe, but we all call it rollerblading) in Southern California.

Andy “Brink” Brinker and his group of friends are “soul skaters” who skate for fun. Brink’s family is short on money because his dad suffered a back injury and hasn’t worked for six months. He joins the Bad Guys of the movie, Team X-Bladz (led by a jerk named Val) to help the family out with money against his dad’s wishes, causing a rift between him and his friends. Eventually he ends up back with his friends, and they beat Team X-Bladz in the championships.

Brink’s friend Peter sees a photographer over on the side of the skating park. “Hey, yo, check it out!” he says to Brink. The photographer’s head then turns, conveniently revealing the back of his hat. Peter then says, “He’s from in.line skater magazine!”

Lol, you don’t say!

After Brink is inspired to put earthworms in Val’s sandwich because he’s a bully, and his ensuing freakout after biting into it, an employee of the school asks Val if there’s anything wrong. We then got this scene:

And he didn’t snitch! Listen, if you put EARTHWORMS IN MY SANDWICH, somebody’s getting in trouble. Forget being “cool” because uh, that’s nasty.

Hair and makeup didn’t do this young man any favors with this cut. I mean, maybe Disney wasn’t in charge of that, but even then, he’s got to have better friends than to let him walk around like this!

That hairline is one of those cases where you walk into a real barbershop and all the barbers are huddled around you to save your well being. It’s like being carted into the emergency room and having everybody’s attention because your life is on the line.

By the way, this character’s name is Boomer. This movie was already good and funny in a bad way in 1998, and a “Boomer” with a terrible hairline makes it even better in 2019.

Ralph Brinker is the biggest Debbie Downer in the history of Disney Channel original movies. The acting job by David Graf (RIP) is honestly great here, because in watching this again, I didn’t realize what an absolute drag this man was. It was actually bringing me down.

Here’s his response to Brink running out of the house ecstatic for the first day of school:

RALPH: “It’s just not normal, that’s all.”

MOM: “Ralph, please.”

RALPH: “No one should be that happy all the time.”

[...]

RALPH: “Now you see, Katie is a normal child. Today’s the first day of school, and she’s miserable.”

After Brink gets suspended for the day for skating at school, Ralph’s car breaks down after roasting his son for getting suspended four hours into the new year.

The way he slaps the car in frustration is kind of bad? But it’s also good because it somewhat matches what a drag this boomer is.

Again, miserable:

Ralph ends up having good moments, like when he tries to talk to Brink when he’s clearly not happy after a rift with his friends. Brink wasn’t having it, but Ralph was cool about it instead of having something smart to say like he usually does in the movie.

Eventually, he and Brink have a good conversation and Ralph agrees to see him skate in the championships. Look how excited and happy he ended up being watching his son skate:

Ralph even let out a “That’s my boy!”

We knew Disney would probably get us to this point, but, sheesh, that was a very just depressing start.

I didn’t think that a handshake could perfectly describe every Disney Channel original movie ever made, but it’s right here.

Why is all this flour in their hair and face? Disney didn’t have to sell the whole They’re Kids In A Cooking Class thing this hard.

Brink wakes up at 7 a.m. and starts his day.

He goes to school, and is essentially asleep during lunch somehow. I mean, maybe his sleep schedule was previously messed up, but I mean, come on, this schedule is very mid.

He goes to his new job his dad got him washing dogs, X-Bladz practice, practice with the Soul Skaters, and then does his homework.

By the time he’s done with everything, he’s asleep at 11:24 p.m when his mom walks in and tucks him into bed. He’s getting almost eight hours of sleep; that’s plenty, according to What They Say.

Tell me I’m wrong, and I’ll tell you that you are wrong.

Just wanted to point that out.

At one point, Val tells Gabriella to “go back to Mexico” if she doesn’t like the country. Her character is Peruvian. Definitely didn’t need that in the show if we weren’t going to address why it’s problematic! Teach the kids!

This character was perfectly cast. He’s got tons of facial expressions, many of which are kind of creepy and too strong, but he’s the perfect protagonist for a ‘90s movie. I’m just going to drop some in here, though there are actually hundreds we could talk about and look at.

Val’s sidekick was the perfect short, annoying, sidekick.