Soccer

All 13 USWNT goals vs. Thailand, ranked by rudeness

Thirteen of ‘em. That’s not a typo.

Jun 11, 2019, 10:50 PM UTC

The United States Women’s National Team owes France a debt, because it torched the pitch Tuesday in a 13-0 World Cup blowout against Thailand.

The onslaught was a thrill to watch. Alex Morgan, Rose Lavelle, and Lindsey Horan had the USWNT up 3-0 in the first 32 minutes, which seemed bad enough on Thailand.

Until it became much, much worse. The became deliciously rude. We’re talking about a good, old fashioned beatdown to open up the tournament for the Red, White, and Blue.

Let’s rank all 13 goals by rudeness.

13. Alex Morgan’s first of many goals.

We’re just getting warmed up here. It took just 11 minutes and change for this flawless exchange from Kelley O’Hara to Morgan.

Get comfortable reading this blog if you aren’t already. No, seriously lol.

12. Lindsey Horan’s goal, making it 3-0.

Horan punched this one in beautifully on the free kick, but there’s not too much rudeness to this one. Still fun to watch, though:

11. Lavelle’s first World Cup goal, in which she’s surrounded by four defenders and ... it doesn’t matter. 2-0.

The keeper got mitts on it, but there’s no stopping this laser:

Better luck next time? Perhaps not.

10. Sam Mewis, who also introduced herself to the World Cup Stage to make it 4-0.

This goal gets a little more credit on the rudeness scale because of what happened before. Megan Rapinoe knew they were getting something out of the possession, but not before she had a little fun with the defender first:

9. One more for Mewis, and the touchdown.

6-0, after Lavelle almost got it done herself:

We’ll get to the extra point in a bit.

8. It’s Alex Morgan again!

Morgan probably could have just stood there and that one was going to go in. That’s a nickel for Team USA:

These are getting easier the later the game gets.

7. Lavelle gets another after Mewis cleaned up after her earlier, and the extra point.

The rudeness is ticking up a notch. The celebrations weren’t too loud yet by Team USA:

This is getting into Stop The Fight Territory. (OK, we were probably already there, but acknowledging a white flag is not nearly as fun).

6. Alex Morgan’s hat trick.

This was No. 8, making it the most goals by Team USA in a single World Cup game:

Eight goals? Pfffffffftt, OK.

5. The record-tying 11th by Mallory Pugh.

Setting records on your opponents is good and rude. Pugh executed it perfectly:

4. Back to Alex Morgan real quick ... why stop at a hat trick?

Here’s Morgan’s fourth (USWNT’s 10th), at which point she had to start counting out her goals to keep track:

Champions tend to do such things.

3. Alex Morgan, again.

That’s five, and a single-game World Cup record:

Rapinoe just carrying Morgan around, and the dejected look of the fans in the crowd say it all.

2. Megan Rapinoe makes it 9-0, and the choreography is perfect.

There are a lot of dorks in the replies of the tweet below saying that this celebration is in bad taste. I’d argue that it’s not yet an acquired taste for them, because if you ask me, this is delicious:

1. Carli Lloyd getting on the board to make it 13-0.

If the World Cup is the only time you follow soccer, you fondly remember Lloyd for having arguably the best-ever performance in a World Cup final in 2015. She had a hat trick in 16 minutes to beat Japan. It was the stuff of legend.

Lloyd’s now 36, and not starting because of all of the other supreme talent that the USWNT keeps churning out. Up 12-0, Lloyd finally got her piece of the pie in the 92nd minute:

13 goals! 13! You can’t even get that many chicken nuggets at a fast food joint unless you’re getting some kind of party tray, upon which there are a million nuggets!

Mind you, this goal also came after many shots of an adorable child crying because the USWNT was absolutely laying it on Thailand. Sooooo rude.

The best part? There’s still plenty of soccer to be played. This World Cup will be fun.