Please, brands, stop

Let’s say you sell, I don’t know, some sort of over-processed snack food. Let’s also say, purely as a hypothetical, that your brand’s mascot is some sort of anthropomorphised legume. Let’s also also say that the Super Bowl is coming up.

From these three pieces of information, it does not seem to follow one would take this opportunity to publicly kill off one’s mascot. Indeed, it’s difficult to imagine exactly which twists and turns a brand meeting would have to take in order to get us here.

But here we are regardless. A major brand has taken the opportunity to announce that their iconic (?) mascot will be laid to rest during the Super Bowl. Presumably, this will raise awareness of their product, even if that awareness is mostly couched in phrases like “what the fuck is this?”

Given the choice between mediocre, over-processed Snackbrand A and mediocre, over-processed Snackbrand B, will consumers naturally pick the one produced by a company which holds an imaginary funeral during a football game? This is not the sort of question brand marketers want asked, and at any rate the answer doesn’t seem very obvious.

The point of this current stunt from Brand Legumicide is not to raise brand awareness among potential customers. At least, not really. Over the digital era, advertising has shifted in fits and starts, from direct sales to brand marketing to, well, this. The point is to dominate the conversation by any means necessary.

Advertising is a gross reminder of the role of money in our lives and the fact that groups with a lot of money tend to spend it in ridiculous ways. But even as advertising reflects just how beholden society is to capital, modern marketing is also in thrall to the beast.

Branding agencies’ clients are not the consumer. They’re not even the brand. They target specific decision-makers inside that brand’s corporate structure, doing whatever it takes to impress them. The metrics that ad campaigns are gauged by are expert-chosen to reflect well upon brand agencies. It never does to really upset one’s host, after all.

Anyway, this is why we have moved from “please buy my snacks” to “these snacks are associated with good things” to “I HAVE KILLED THE LARGE SNACK MAN, IT IS TIME TO PAY YOUR RESPECTS.” The internet reacted to the putative death with mild amusement and general bafflement, but that was nevertheless a reaction, and at scale.

Snackbrand A’s stunt is aimed at getting the creative consultants behind it more creative consultancy work. How the impending funeral might impact Snackbrand A’s bottom line is irrelevant. This is a depressing (and distressing) state of affairs.

The damndest thing is we are expected to write about it. The reserves of creative talent held by the creative industry will be deployed en masse during the biggest NFL game of the season, and since the ads will be popular and important, this site will almost certainly cover them, including Snackbrand A’s funeral spot.

But, my dear purveyors of stale-ish mediocrity, you can wait until then for your free marketing.