‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Pilot Pete already in the danger zone after one week

In a frenzy of sequins, sex jokes, and make-outs, The Bachelor returned to our screens with [extremely Chris Harrison voice] the most dramatic season premiere in history. Peter Weber — AKA Pete the Pilot; AKA Pete the Make Out Bandit — not only met the 30 women who would be vying for his heart, but also went on his first group date, first one-on-one date, and extended an invitation to his ex, Hannah.

Hannah, who unceremoniously dumped Peter after their windmill-fueled fantasy suite date, showed up to wish our dapper pilot good luck and return the set of wings he gave her when they first met. She later returns to host the world’s most awkward group date (they’re going to tell sex stories to a room of hostages live audience), and there are a lot of tears and running mascara.

But before all of the dates and the crying, there was the Parade of Ladies and, of course, some crying.

I’d make fun of the women getting out of a limo and saying “oh, he’s perfect” after watching him on TV and talking to him briefly, but I’m pretty sure I’ve said the same after watching Tom Holland on the press junket for Avengers: Endgame.

As expected, there were a LOT of terribly uncomfortable sex jokes — mostly revolving around Peter and Hannah’s windmill experience last season — and a handful of flying puns. One of the suitors, Alayah, presented Pete with a note from her grandmother, Rose, which was by far the cutest gimmick of the night.

A lot of wine was consumed, a lot of women were kissed, and a lot of people said “can I steal you for a second” before Pete eventually sent home eight women.

Marine Corps pilot Katie Cook (the first female pilot with the Blue Angels) and Marine Corps C-130 pilot Alisa Johnson oversaw a date that was offensive to aviation. Both pilots are now reservists and came out to run the women through some sort of diet flight school where they were asked a series of basic math questions. That ... didn’t go well for some of them.

Q: How many feet in a mile?

A:

Oooooh. So close. (The answer is 5,280.)

The women next went for a ride on a gyroscope, which allowed for a hyper dramatic and fantastically edited flashback after Victoria P. said she had a bad experience in a spinning tea cup ride. She would later throw up (in the bathroom off camera, thankfully), but it was worth it for the entertainment value.

They finished with an obstacle course of sorts with Kelley (who had a mysterious happenstance meeting with Pete in a Westlake, California, hotel before filming started) blatantly cheating to win some one-on-one time with our pilot.

Kelley, an attorney, later defends herself at the evening portion of the date by saying, “I didn’t know the rules were going to be that strict.” A LAYWER. THIS WOMAN IS A LAWYER. She would go on to also take the group date rose, ensuring we get another week of Kelley- and-Peter make-outs.

Madison got the one-on-one date, and Pete took her to his parents’ vow renewal. Look. The date was super cute, they clearly have chemistry, and Pete’s family is frickin’ adorable. This date was also horribly boring and they finished with one of the patented Bachelor awkward solo concerts.

Moving on.

This is where things get good. IS THAT HANNAH B’S MUSIC AGAIN?

Pete takes a group of ladies to a theater where Hannah B. meets them and regales them with the windmill story before telling them about the aforementioned requirement to share embarrassing sex stories with strangers. As the ladies scatter to come up with the content that will likely make their next face-to-face with their families super awful, Hannah B. and Pete get to talking backstage.

She expressed regret for the way things ended (reminder: she chose Jed over Pete, and turned out Jed had a girlfriend), and Pete asked Hannah B. if she wanted to join the party and compete for his heart. There was a LOT of crying and no waterproof mascara in sight.

I don’t think Hannah will end up coming back to the Bachelor Mansion as she was mid-Dancing With the Stars at this point — a show she would go on to win — but this drama will carry over to next week.

On to the superlatives!

I hope Pilot Pete shows up to the airport well before he’s supposed to now, because apparently he can’t get through the concourse without stopping for numerous selfies. I can hear the announcement already.

[PA scratches]
Flight Attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin boarding flight D329 to Milwaukee shortly. We, ah, are waiting on one of the pilots, who, ah, according to Instagram, is somewhere in the airport taking selfies near the Chick-Fil-A in Terminal B.

Alexa is an esthetician, and her bio video opens with her staring out over the Chicago River talking about how she loves to care for people. It looks like she’s delivering a baby, but suddenly the voiceover declares “... and I wax vaginas for a living!”

Well, alright then!

The bigger question is: Who is the woman getting waxed? How do you get approached about that? Was she excited for her debut on The Bachelor? Do you get paid for that? Is your waxing session at least covered?

DON’T EAT THE COOKIE DOUGH, VICTORIA.

Madison, an Auburn grad, is the son of Chad Prewett, the current director of operations for Auburn men’s basketball. He previously worked as the special assistant to head coach Bruce Pearl, and Pearl is well aware of Madison’s participation in the series.

Madison will likely stick around a long time, but you have to ask some questions about Pop’s plan to attack the paint. Despite having a history at Auburn with scouting opponents and running the Tigers’ zone defense, Coach Prewett drew this up for Madison:

First of all, that’s far too many defenders. Second of all, if the other suitors are playing a packed-in zone, I wouldn’t recommend driving the lane. Instead, take that shot over the top of the D, man. Madison is fully capable:

Poor, sweet Eunice was one of three flight attendants in the group of ladies, and one of three flight attendants who didn’t make it past the first night. Eunice, however, will forever be remembered for her top-notch flying-Bachelor pun as she declared, “I’m here for the flight reasons.”

Hannah Ann had a busy first half of the premiere:

Here’s Hannah Ann’s IDGAF face:

Natasha’s time with Pete was interrupted by Mykenna with the latter throwing small paper planes at them (GET IT? THEY’RE PLANES ... HE’S A PILOT). Natasha returned the favor by tracking down the gigantic paper airplane Madison brought as her prop when she arrived (GET IT? IT’S A PLANE ... HE’S A PILOT). It was absolute perfection.

Here’s how Victoria’s night went:

She did, however, get a rose and went on the group date that made my former Naval aviator self cringe at every moment.

Maurissa
Kylie
Eunice
Megan
Katrina
Jade
Avonlea
Jenna