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Come Fan with UsTuesday, August 4, 2026

Browns and Bengals fans remain dankrupt after petition for medical marijuana fails

Browns and Bengals fans hoped their chronically bad football teams would qualify them for medical marijuana. The state of Ohio disagreed.

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Tostitos Fiesta Bowl - Stanford v Oklahoma State
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Browns and Bengals fans are no doubt disappointed to hear Ohio state officials have rejected a petition that would have qualified their ailment for the use of medical marijuana.

What ailment? If you have to ask, you clearly haven’t been following the NFL since, well, ever.

You see, the Bengals and the Browns are heartbreaking football teams. They induce chronic anxiety. Ever since the Browns returned to the NFL in 1999 after being relocated to become the Baltimore Ravens, neither team has won a postseason game. Since the 2016 season, either Cleveland or Cincinnati has been the worst team in the NFL. In 2017, the Browns were winless. This past season, the Bengals finished with a 2-14 record. Even the Lions won three games in 2019, though then again, recreational marijuana is legal in Michigan, and thus so is smoking the pain away if you’re a fan of the Honolulu blue and silver.

Unfortunately for fans, the State Medical Board of Ohio just doesn’t think the kind of suffering endured by the teams’ faithful warrants marijuana treatment, as the Cincinnati Enquirer reported Wednesday.

In total, 22 suggested conditions were considered by the board for treatment via medical marijuana. Serious conditions such as depression, insomnia and opioid use disorder were rejected, in addition to the condition of choosing to root for bad football teams.

While Bengals fans remain dankrupt for now, they at least have a little hope with the first pick in the 2020 NFL Draft. The Browns, on the other hand, remain a buzzkill even after picking first in 2017 and 2018.

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