‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Why is there so much crying?

We at SB Nation realize The Bachelor is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement. If you missed anything, catch up on last week’s action here.

No, you’re not losing it. We’re back with another recap. On a Thursday. The brilliant folks at ABC thought that the normal two hours of The Bachelor wasn’t enough this week, so they gave us FIVE DAMN HOURS.

Peter and the ladies hop on a plane and jet to Santiago, Chile, where the women immediately start bitching at each other. I’m not sure how Mykenna isn’t permanently dehydrated as she seems to be crying at all times, and the other women are not letting her off the hook for forcing one-on-one time before last week’s Rose Ceremony.

Honestly, most of these women are incredibly cruel. They talk shit, pretend like they don’t talk shit, and act like they’re all friends when Peter comes around. Yeah, Mykenna (and Kelsey) cry. A LOT. But it gets so aggressive.

“Mykenna is just very weepy. Like a wet dog. It’s annoying,” Victoria F. said in a cutaway interview before continuing in a condescending mock Mykenna voice. “You’re like really upset when other girls are getting time, and you’re not. [back to Victoria’s voice] Like, shut the f*ck up.”

Yikes, man. Bunch of mean girls, and not the fun Tina Fey movie version.

The ladies’ bitch session is interrupted by Peter — hilariously going from aggressive to saccharine in an instant — and he asks Hannah Ann to join him for a day of sightseeing that results in what seems like horribly uncomfortable cuddling.

No, really, what is this?

Hannah Ann is like a walking Hallmark card, throwing out quotes about most people “staying in the shallow end” and how by doing that they’ll “only catch minnows.” All of her statements feel rehearsed, as if she is being fed lines by someone in a van nearby. Peter is weirdly thrown off by her not having been in love before (umm, hello, she’s 23, it isn’t that weird), and sensing things getting out of hand, Hannah Ann digs into her bag of tricks and hits him with the trump card: crying.

“This is what I want,” Peter says to a weeping woman.

Peter, sweetie, it’s weird how much you reward crying women. Hannah Ann clearly gets a rose, and she’s set to get another stamp on her passport.

Oh, hell yes, telenovela date! Everyone gets a role to play in this telenovela, ranging from maid to grandmother (yes, grandmother). Of all the terrible dates they make these ladies go on, this one actually seemed ... kind of fun? Obviously it was super dumb, but I would have laughed my ass off.

Unsurprisingly, Mykenna spent the entire date complaining about how her turn as Pedro’s maid was just like her real life and how — blah, blah, blah — he never notices her before she’s revealed as the one who wins his heart. The real star, however, is Chris Harrison:

After wrapping El Amore De Pedro, the party moves to a hotel. Tammy calls out Mykenna, and their shouting draws the attention of Peter (this will be “important” later).

In one of the true early upsets of the season, Peter dumped Victoria P. during some one-on-one time in the evening portion of the group date. After saying he didn’t see her as his wife, she did what I’ve always wanted a scorned woman to do: refuse the offer of walking her to the car. He still followed her like a puppy, but she was cool at best with him.

Madison, who remains adorable and so impressively far removed from the drama, got the group date rose.

What’s that? Didn’t Victoria F. just have a one-on-one? She sure did! Peter, seemingly trying to shoot himself in the foot at all times, invites Victoria F. on her second one-on-one date in three weeks. They get to spend time with some beautiful horses in what looks like a super fun date, but it’s the dinner portion that gets interesting.

I’m extremely concerned about Peter’s ability to be manipulated. It’s like he has never heard of lying and just can’t read people’s actual intentions. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not buying one second of Victoria’s schtick. She is standoffish and cool with Peter, seemingly playing with his emotions. He is CLEARLY super into her, and she acts like she could not care less.

Just like in her first solo date, she gets up from the table in tears. This time, she tells producers she’s not sure what she wants before he eventually tracks her down and presents a tearful (catching a theme?) Victoria with a rose.

IT’S A SHOWDOWN. Oh, wait, no ... it’s a super-boring pre-Rose Ceremony complain-fest. Tammy and Mykenna each get to share their side of their dumb feud. According to Tammy, Mykenna is just here to create hashtags. According to Mykenna, Tammy is a big meanie.

Peter eventually sides with Mykenna, sending our Syracuse House Flipper home.

By this season’s standards, the Rose Ceremony is relatively low-key. Peter and the remaining ladies chat and make out and chat some more. Kelsey, Natasha, and Kelley get roses, joining Madison, Victoria, and Hannah Ann in the final six (my goodness, I feel like we just started).

Mykenna’s previous excitement is short-lived, however, as Peter eliminates her mere minutes later.

To the highlights!

What do you even do with this? Why is this in the room? What is in the tub spot in the bathroom? Who made this choice?

Kelley has to play “Pedro’s” abuela in the telenovela, and that is fantastically un-sexy. This is her costume:

To Kelley’s immense credit, she very cleverly tried to change the lines to really keep him on his toes and make him laugh. Plus she made an incest joke (incest is best in this situation!) that landed, which is INCREDIBLY hard to do.

Mykenna, already an openly emotional person, had quite the week. At the beginning of the episode, she was upset she didn’t get a one-on-one date. Then she packed her bags, threatening to go home. After the group date, she was elated at her apparently now strong relationship with Peter. Then, the two-on-one date card showed up, and she outlasted Tammy, only to have her heart ripped out like 15 minutes later.

Sheesh, girl. How does that make you feel?