The Fumble Files: The weird world of ‘CrunchBall 3000’

Welcome to the Fumble Files, a series that cerebrates cool and or stupid stuff found in video games. Today I’m here to talk to you about CrunchBall 3000.

This flash game has been around for many years and it’s really better than you would expect a sports flash game to be. Since our high school wanted us to learn stuff for some reason, a lot of flash game websites were banned on our school Wi-Fi. However, there was a group of elite students who knew the flash game sites that weren’t banned. One such site was kongregate.com, which featured legendary games like Cyclomaniacs 2 and CrunchBall 3000.

It was a fun way to pass the time when your teacher was going off on a tangent about SAT scores and other boring shit. It was also pretty useful in college, too, during my 400-person econ classes. FOR THE LAST TIME, BOB, ALL OF THE SUPPLY AND DEMAND GRAPHS LOOK THE SAME.

Enough ranting about the education system, let me talk about the coolest parts of the game.

CrunchBall 3000 has an original story. It’s a government-mandated sport that only came into being because sports were banned all throughout the world, but people were playing in underground leagues so the government went “FUCK IT. YOU WANT SPORTS BACK? HERE’S A SPORT.” The world seemed to agree.

Crunchball seems to take elements from soccer, rugby and hockey, to make for a fast fun-paced game.

When you first start, and even afterwards, you can customize your team’s color and even adjust their skill points. You can also rename players and tweak your full team’s skill points to a degree.

In addition, you can alter your team’s formations. Some prefer Wall. I prefer Goal Hang, but you must find the formation for you. Your team can also change formation mid-game.

After you get your team’s logistics all set up and ready you’re finally able to CRUNCH IT UP (Not a real term in the game, I just came up with it. OK?). There are four divisions and the objective of the game is to win the first division. This seems easy, but there are some good teams in this game that aren’t afraid to bust your ass.

Crunchball’s instructions are very simple, but the gameplay allows you to be versatile and come up with your own strategies. You can play methodically, or you can throw the ball super far upfield and see what happens. The ONLY downside I’d say this game has is the fact that shot aiming is pretty hard to master ... actually I’m lying because it’s impossible. But that’s what makes the sport fun.

JUST LOOK AT THIS CONVOY FOR STUPID CRAPFACE. (The opponent is one of the first-level foes. We’ll get there.)

After each win, you earn cash which you can use to train your team, buy PEDs or bribe your opponent. The last two come with risk, as you could get caught and forfeit the match. You can also save money to sign players in the transfer window.

If you win the league, you get promoted to the next division and get to reach my favorite part of the game mode: THE TRANSFER WINDOW!

In the transfer window, you can use all the money that you saved over the course of the season to acquire players from other teams.

Better players will cost you money while roster downgrades will earn you money.

You can’t change the positions of players, so please be mindful of the numbers next to each of them. However, when you do upgrade your roster it’s up to you to maximize their capabilities.

And I can change the name and kit colors anytime I choose.

By the way, here’s what the ratings difference really looks like. Here’s I am breaking ANKLES!

Over time the competition gets harder, and you have to face super tough teams. Once you get to the higher levels of play, the gameplay should look something like this.

And you face off against teams like this.

Another net positive about this game: even though it’s a flash game, if you exit out and come back to the website it should save your progress, which is huge. You can find the game here.

Overall, this is one of the more addicting and unique flash games. The game is simple, but not too easy and there is a fun, enjoyable skill gap. I totally recommend this for some mindless fun while you watch YouTube highlights.