‘The Challenge’ returns with Total Madness to end our sports drought

A bright light has emerged from the darkness of our sports-less wasteland with the return of America’s fifth major sport: MTV’s The Challenge.

Look how excited Giannis Antetokounmpo is:

The Challenge: Total Madness marks the show’s 35th (!!) season on MTV. Each week, we’ll recap the latest episode, pick an episode winner, and throw in a top-five power ranking of the competitors. Let’s get to it!

Right off the bat, host TJ Lavin lays down some of the ground rules for the challengers:

Tracking? OK, great.

There are some very familiar faces competing this season, including Johnny Bananas, Aneesa, Nany, CT, Jordan, Tori, Kyle, and Rogan. There’s also a handful of new faces coming from shows like Big Brother, Survivor and Ninja Warrior.

Oh, and Lumberjack Wes doing his best Yukon Cornelius impersonation!

This time, the competitors aren’t in a cushy mansion, instead staying in the equivalent of an underground bunker that looks like a converted asylum from the Cold War era. (It does have a hot tub and pool, at least.)

The first competition involved a LOT of ropes, giant barrels, a few tanks (more on that in a minute), a puzzle, and a math problem. Whew. Right out the gate. Players had to pull the barrels (attached to the aforementioned ropes) across an open field three times, complete a puzzle, do a math problem, and avoid TJ trying to eliminate people with the tank.

Jenny clearly works out A LOT and apparently does math problems on her phone while hanging out with her gerbils (her words, not mine). It paid off.

Winners: Rogan and Jenny

Within the first eight minutes, TJ got in a damn tank and was literally driving around trying to disqualify contestants. Now whenever I feel sad, I’m just going to think about Teej living his best life in a tank, laughing gleefully as he ruins everyone’s day.

NANY. THIS IS NOT YOUR FIRST RODEO BY A LONG SHOT. WHY ARE YOU HOOKING UP ON NIGHT ONE. Sweet, sweet Nany’s got eyes for Asaf, a tall, dark, mysterious man with luscious curly hair who competed on So You Think You Can Dance and Celebrity Ninja Warrior (which is apparently a thing!).

They canoodled and kissed the first night, and at the very least it saved him in a few votes in the deliberation as CT referred to him as “Nany’s new toy.” It didn’t do enough, though, as he was voted into Purgatory.

An hour into the episode, we get the bombshell that Wes and Johnny are ... working together? For as long as we’ve known the duo, they’ve openly and aggressively hated each other. Hell, within the first 30 minutes of this season, Johnny calls his nemesis an “ugly ginger.”

We’ve been deprived of the rivalry the past few seasons because they’ve been poached off by dumb new rookie alliances that don’t respect the audience’s need to see these two try to out-strategize each other. It’s so upsetting to see them work together.

I give this alliance ... three weeks, max.

If you’re still sitting there trying to argue this isn’t sports, peep this fake commercial from Bananas inspired by Tom Brady’s “big announcement” Hulu ad.

I’m really going to try to not just choose CT every episode, but yeah, it’s going to be Dad Bod CT.

Asaf was sent in with the house vote and was joined by Survivor’s Jay after the tribunal vote. The rookies had to hang from a bar mounted high in the air where they tried to make their opponent fall by kicking a wall between them. Both thought they had the advantage as Asaf is a dancer and Jay is a climber.

Jay wins the challenge, 2-0, sending Asaf home.

Man, Nany has the worst luck with men.

5. Johnny

4. CT

3. Rogan

2. Jenny

1. Jay (win the first elimination, you take the top spot)