Jay Cutler is stranded in the Bahamas and may have pooped his swim trunks

While the majority of the country is boarded up at home as a result of the coronavirus pandemic, former NFL star Jay Cutler is effectively marooned in the Bahamas with Kristin Cavallari, their kids, her hairstylist Justin Anderson and Anderson’s fiancé.

As TV writer and researcher Claire Downs details in her newsletter and this Twitter thread, Cutler and Co. have been in the Bahamas since at least March 15, and don’t seem to have made it back to their home in Nashville. The first Instagram post from Cavallari, star of the E! reality series Very Cavallari, went up on March 15, the same day that schools and restaurants closed in New York City.

Since they’ve been in the Bahamas, the country has imposed a curfew, closed essential businesses and locked down ports for incoming visitors. It’s not quite clear why the group didn’t leave at any point during the escalation of closures.

Cavallari and Anderson have received a lot of negative feedback on their Instagram posts, with many comments telling them their actions are dangerous, and that posting from exotic locations — even if practicing social distancing — shows a lack of understanding of the current situation.

Cutler, meanwhile, seems to be having the time of his life. There have been six posts to his Instagram account (@ifjayhadinstagram) since March 28:

The breakdown goes like this:

By James Dator

“Day 28. No TP needed”

I don’t claim to be an expert on Cutler, but I would like to think I understand the basic mechanics of making a properly regulated bowel movement. This is a functional disaster.

Cutler is using the ocean as his private toilet. He’s bragging about it. The sea is nature’s bidet, I get it ... but WHY ON EARTH IS HE WEARING PANTS? Now look, you might jump to Cutler’s defense and say “he’s just joking,” but that is obviously a poop face. Cutler is pooping, in the ocean, wearing his swim trunks and asked for someone to photograph it so he can brag about it.

Now look, I’m not going to judge. Live your life, all that good stuff — but this is too much. Cutler’s history was marred with a propensity to just chuck it up, so ocean pooping is on brand, but he was also intercepted a whole lot. He, better than anyone, should understand the risks of propelling an object from his body which then collides with someone else to his detriment.

This is unneeded and gross. Keep in mind it wasn’t long ago that he gleefully looked at the ocean with no pants on.

So on land, not pooping = No pants
In the ocean, wearing pants = Pooping

None of this makes sense. Sorry to interrupt. Caroline, back to you.

No worries, James.

It’s not quite clear when Cutler, Cavallari, Anderson, Scoot, and the kids will get back home, but they’re on Day 22 in the Bahamas and counting.