Athletes keep avoiding drug suspensions by bragging about how much kissing they do

When you see this story for the first time, your instinct — like mine — might be “oh yeah, I remember that happening”:

(h/t to my shortest and dearest son, Rodger Sherman)

U.S. Olympic runner Gil Roberts tested positive for a banned substance, but he cleared his name by explaining that he’d merely ingested the substance secondhand after kissing his girlfriend superhard:

Roberts, who has never before tested positive, argued that he ingested probenecid through “frequently and passionately” kissing his girlfriend in the day(s) leading up to his March 24 test, according to an arbitration decision.

It worked! Roberts is off the hook for any punishment. And now we all know he’s done kissing before, so this is a net win, if anything.

But man, this sure is a thing. If you thought you’d seen that story before, you were probably thinking of Canadian Olympic pole vaulter Shawn Barber, who avoided suspension following a positive cocaine test with a similar defense: kissing.

Or maybe you were thinking of French tennis star Richard Gasquet, who in 2009 got out from under his own positive cocaine test the very same way: smooches.

And that’s good! If sports governing bodies are going to police their athletes’ insides, then they better make sure they don’t overreach. Granted, experts interviewed around the time of Barber’s story insisted that one kisser would have to do, like, a dune of cocaine to make the other kisser test positive. Buuuuut I guess we’ll give the benefit of the doubt? And that’s just cocaine, anyway. Roberts’ positive test, our most recent example, was for a different substance.

My main takeaway here is that — if it hasn’t happened yet — athletes who’ve ingested banned stuff on purpose are definitely going to try this defense. And I’m excited to see how far that goes. For instance, if you’re doing anabolic steroids, DEFINITELY keep a photo of a supermuscular person on hand. Then, when the positive results come back, you can just flip open your wallet and be like “oh gosh, I guess I should stop kissing JACKED BOO so much.”

Shit, maybe the next person caught WITH drugs should claim the kissing defense. “Yeah me and my girlfriend made out so hard that ... uhhhh ... her large bag of cocaine became ... in my car.” All I’m saying is once a judicial precedent has been established, it’s got to be tested, right?

In closing, congratulations to athletes on all the kisses.