I don’t want to hear about your March Madness bracket, but please let me tell you about mine

I don’t particularly care about that weird dream you had. I know it must’ve been really disconcerting when your teeth fell out right before you had to go to dinner with Einstein and Chrissy Teigen’s recently-deceased bulldog. But this conversation is taking a long time and I’m just trying to get some coffee in the office kitchen.

Although, last week I had this dream — I do have to tell you this — that the Russians nuked us, and then Adam Rippon and I had to walk for hundreds of miles, like we were in Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. We eventually ended up squatting in the basement of this old K-Mart in Kansas. Except it wasn’t really a K-Mart, it was more like a Walmart. And I’m not actually sure it was Adam Rippon, it could’ve been Jake Gyllenhaal. Or maybe Chris Pine. Sorry, what’s that? You need to get by me to reach the sugar? My bad.

Also, I’m sorry you’re sick. That post-nasal drip sounds awful. But rather than hear about your illness, I’d prefer to explain how I searched “I keep forgetting people’s names” in WebMD, and it told me I probably have the worst kind of gangrene you can get. I know — who gets gangrene anymore? So nuts. I made a doctors appointment.

Your March Madness bracket sounds great *eye roll*. Psyched you think Murray State can win it all. But let me tell you about my bracket. I’m pretty jazzed about it. I think this year might be the first time I actually have a shot at winning. I’ve never won. Well, wait, that’s not true — I won in 2009, which was super funny, because I didn’t think about my bracket at all when I filled it out. I was in a pool with my college’s entire basketball team (they were ... not great). Hah, they were so mad when they lost to me. Ah, memories.

Anyway, let’s go into some detail. Who do I have taking home the trophy, you ask? No, you didn’t? Hmm, well, I’m still gonna tell you. I think UVA is going to do it. I know, I know, they’re a one seed, how boring of me! But I’ve been on this Virginia train longer than anyone else. Since, like, last week, when I realized what a killer season they’ve been having.

I’m pretty sure UVA is going to beat Villanova in the championship. I had to think long and hard about a potential Duke-Villanova match-up in the Final Four. I was like — could Duke do it? And then I was like yeah, probably. And then I was like buuuuuuuut I think I have to go with my gut here. And my gut is saying that it won’t be Duke. So I picked Villanova. Trust your instincts — that’s the first rule of March Madness.

Why yes, I do have some upsets in here! Thought you’d never ask, even though, once again, you didn’t. I’d put money on Davidson beating Kentucky. Kentucky has been weirdly bad this season, and everyone knows that a 12 seed beating a five seed is the most likely upset. So I think it’s a pretty smart choice. I may be eating my words in a few days, but I doubt it. I’m, like, really good at March Madness.

I could go on, but all the color has drained from your face, your eyes have glazed over, and you’ve slowly been pouring your coffee out onto the floor while I talk. So I’ll let you go. I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, and that dream ... hoo boy, sounds like a real doozy. Remind me to tell you about that nightmare I once had where a squirrel beat up my mom. Wild stuff.

Oh, one more thing. I printed out a copy of my bracket for you. Just so you can follow along.