THIS.
Meet Derek Dooley, new host of Jeopardy!
If Jeopardy! is in the market for a new host, why not go with North America’s foremost scholar, former Tennessee football coach and current Cowboys assistant Derek Dooley?
@justinbopp
IS.
JEOPARDY!
WITH YOUR HOST...
DEREK DOOLEY!
***
You walk out on the set, lights blinding. You’ve been through this before. None of this is any harder than what you used to do. Who you used to be. You’re not that man anymore, although your pants would tell a different story. Hours and hours spent in makeup, getting every hair in place. Your hair got you this gig, but you’re not afraid to admit that. Your hair has always defined you.
You’re ready.
Raucous applause reaches its apex and calms, like waves crashing into the beaches of Hilton Head. It’s time.
“Hello, hello,” you say. “And welcome to Jeopardy! I’m your host, Derek Dooley, but you can call me Coach. We’ve got three hungry contestants ready to play our wonderful game.”
You scan your prospects. They’ll have to do. They’ve always had to do.
“Tony. It is Tony, right? I’m not too good with names. You get first crack at the clues.”
Tony isn’t really worth listening to. In fact none of them are, but you coast and hear only what you have to hear. The cards in your hand feel like they’ve always been there. Instead of plays, there are answers. You don’t need them, but the producers demanded you bring them on stage.
“I’ll take Haircare for $200, please, Derek.”
“Call me Coach.”
“Sorry, err, Coach.”
“This is the most important part of any successful haircare routine.”
*BUZZ*
“Yes, middle player person.”
“It’s Denise. Uhh, what is, washing?”
“That is incorrect.”
*BUZZ*
“Yes, Tony?”
“What is conditioning?”
“Incorrect.”
*BOOP BOOP BOOP*
“The correct answer was ‘have Derek Dooley’s hair.’”
you've read every Shakespeare play and every book ever written.
You chuckle. Flash that Dooley smile. There you go. Nailed it. See, this isn’t so bad. You’ve got a sense of humor, you’re amiable, you’re a snappy dresser, and by golly, your hair is perfect. They like you Derek, just like everyone loves Viola in Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. You’ve read Twelfth Night because you’ve read every Shakespeare play and every book ever written. You’re making Allison proud.
“Tony, you still have control of the board.”
“Let’s try Muscle Milk for $400.”
“This is the amount of milk that is in the popular drink supplement Muscle Milk of which I drink 14 per day to keep my body in tip-top physical shape, it’s zero, isn’t that funny there is no milk in Muscle Milk.”
*BUZZ*
“Yes, the other one, person on the right.”
“Carl. Unless you’re joking, I think you already said the correct response, which is zero or no milk in Muscle Milk.”
“By George, you’re right, George.” You give a thumb’s up. You’re doing great.
“Carl.”
“That’s $400 for George. Still your board.”
“Let’s take a chance on Where’s Rommel? for $1000.”
*BUH NOW BUH NOW BUH NOW BOW BOW BOW*
“Holy Cannoli! It’s a Daily Double! How much do you want to wager?”
“$1,000 is fine.”
“For $1,000, here is your clue: when the Germans were there on the beach they weren’t really expecting the Americans to land where they landed, but then the Americans where there and the Germans were all like, ‘Where’s Rommel? Someone get Rommel on the horn? Is he there?’ But the Americans, they just attacked. They weren’t supposed to land there, but it didn’t matter, they were going to make their mothers and their wives and their children and their country proud. It was just a do-or-die moment for them, no disrespect to the Germans.”
*BOOP BOOP BOOP*
“Wait, that wasn’t a clue.”
“Okay, moving on. Still your board, Georgie Boy.”
“What in the blue blazes? I dunno. Let’s try geometry for $800.”
“Oh boy, this is one of my favorite categories. Math is just ever so important. And here we go: when you’re making a triangle and you’re working with a Pythagorean theorem, which is A-squared plus B-squared equals C-squared, the longest side is always this.”
You’re not going to let these dolts screw this up. This is one of your favorite subjects.
“Didn’t you guys take Alegbra I? It’s like right angles. You know? No, stop drawing. Just think for a second. Stop writing. I told you to stop writing. Think about it. You know what? Just read a book. Take a class. I’m not going to preach to you guys.”
“Wait. What?”
“Pick another category, George. Just pick one already.”
“I guess I’ll go with Call Me Braybe. This isn’t a very fun game. I miss Alex.”
“Now we’re cooking! In this category you will hear popular songs and have to decide which quarterback the song is about.”
♫ Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart ♫
There’s a pause. It’s uncomfortable. You don’t do well with time stoppages. You want to scream out the answer to them. Why aren’t they getting this one? It’s easy. Come on. Someone buzz in.
*BOOP BOOP BOOP*
"The answer was Tyler Bray. Tyler Bray."
The answer is always Tyler Bray.
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