Tuesday night, Notre Dame football decided to tweet Brian Kelly’s official Spotify playlist.
Notre Dame coach’s official Spotify playlist includes song about a fake dead girlfriend
Every single word in that title is true.
.@coachbriankelly's @spotify list is up! spoti.fi/10L58bS #TuneIn
— Notre Dame Football (@NDFootball) March 26, 2013
It's not clear what the purpose of this Spotify playlist is. What I do know is that we can analyze it. For my money, this is the SECOND-BEST Spotify playlist I've ever seen. I think it's really PERFECT, RIGHT UNTIL THE END. I never want this playlist to end, just like Notre Dame's TRIPLE-OVERTIME GAME AGAINST PITT.
First things first, let’s analyze track No. 24 right away:
“50 Ways to Say Goodbye,” by Train: The song’s speaker has gone through a painful breakup, and he finds himself stuck with the dilemma of facing his friends without admitting he was dumped. Instead of telling them the truth, he makes up ways in which his girlfriend died. Here’s one of the choruses:
”If my friends ask where you are, I’m gonna say
She was caught in a mudslide, eaten by a lion, got run over by a crappy purple Scion/
Help me, help me, I’m no good at goodbyes/
She dried up in the desert, drowned in a hot tub, danced to death in an East Side nightclub/
Help me, help me, I’m all out of lies/
And ways to say you died”
I guess what I’m trying to say is, Notre Dame football coach Brian Kelly made a playlist, and included a song about somebody making up stories about a girlfriend suffering unrealistic, tragic deaths.
THE ARISTOCRATS.
Otherwise, I really hope it’s not actually meant to be a pump-up playlist for the football team, since the vast majority of it is 70s singer-songwriter stuff and wistful pop songs. And, yes, every other song here can also be in some way interpreted to be about a fake and/or dead significant other, but not quite on Train’s level.
“Smooth,” by Santana ft. Rob Thomas: I’m just picturing literally any human in the world -- any human, even Carlos Santana or Rob Thomas -- sitting down to create a playlist, for literally anything - wedding, bar mitzvah, bat mitzvah, football, jogging, funeral, Santana convention, ANYTHING - and picking “Smooth” by Carlos Santana ft. Rob Thomas as the first pick.
“Lost Highway,” by Bon Jovi: I haven’t heard this Bon Jovi song, so I’ll just assume it doesn’t sound exactly like the 40,000 Bon Jovi songs I have heard.
“Hall of Fame,” by The Script: The College Football Hall of Fame was located in South Bend, Ind., and now it’s headed to Atlanta.
“Mary’s Place,” by Bruce Springsteen: I think most big fans of The Boss will agree that if you could take one song from his decades and decades of work, it’s this random song from an album he released in 2002.
“I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing,” by Aerosmith: YES, THE SONG FROM ARMAGEDDON.
“When I Was Your Man,” by Bruno Mars: More like “When I was your MANTI” haha FTFY Notre Dame get it
“Doctor My Eyes,” by Jackson Browne: This is the least-sensible imperative since “Wake Up The Echoes” itself.
“Stay,” by Jackson Browne: Someone whining in a falsetto, begging someone to stay just a little bit longer reminds Coach Kelly of the meeting with Notre Dame’s administration after he considered taking a job with the Philadelphia Eagles.
“The Load Out,” by Jackson Browne: Dude likes Jackson Browne!
“And It Stoned Me,” by Van Morrison: drugs
“Downtown,” by Lady Antebellum: No comment.
"Suit and Tie," by Justin Timberlake (Radio Edit): I do wish that, instead of this song, Kelly picked one of the ones that's eight minutes long and entirely backed by Timberland mumbling stuff.
“Mexico,” by James Taylor: Sounds like someone’s angling for a bid in the Sun Bowl this postseason.
“Daylight,” by Maroon 5: Yeah, more like NOTRE DAME’S PLAYER WHO WORE NO. 5 was MAROONED when he found out his GIRLFRIEND WAS FAKE.
“Feel This Moment,” by Pitbull:
“Your Smiling Face,” by James Taylor: There’s a version about Coach Kelly called “Your Screaming Face (Which Is Turning Purple With Anger).”
“Here Come Those Tears Again,” by Jackson Browne: The official title of the Charlie Weis era of Notre Dame football.
“Tupelo Honey,” by Van Morrison: if there’s one more van morrison song on here i swear
“Heart Attack,” by Demi Lovato: Re: the 2010 game against Michigan State? (Glad Coach Dantonio is healthy.)
“Up on the Roof,” by James Taylor: WE GET IT BRO YOU LIKE JAMES TAYLOR
“Try,” by Pink: “Don’t Try,” by Alabama
“Don’t You Worry Child,” by Swedish House Mafia: “Heaven’s Got a Plan For You” is actually the story of the general perception Notre Dame fans have of their football program.
“You’re So Vain,” by Carly Simon: You’re so vain, you probably think that every single person in America should have access to every single one of your games, like even the ones against Purdue and Boston College
“Just a Sip,” by Luke Bryan: If there was not a modern country-rock song about getting reasonably drunk on this list, Notre Dame would have been forcibly removed from NCAA competition, so that’s good.
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