The extremely overreactive pollster’s college football top 25

Dear poll voters:

You’re doing it wrong.

You clearly didn’t watch the same Week 1 that I did. Georgia? The Dawgs won by 24 against Clemson, which isn’t even a state. Texas A&M? Sure, they beat South Carolina, but how would they do against a real Carolina, like East Carolina? Baylor? Michigan State? Oklahoma? We’ve seen better. The math tells us.

If you’re going to base your poll on Week 1 results, you have to buy in completely and overreact to everything. Let me show you how a real poll looks.

1. Texas State. 65 points and 697 yards of offense demand attention, regardless of who the opponent is. Pair that with a defense that can pitch a shutout in the same game, and you’ve got the recipe for a champion. Texas, TCU, and SMU have been down recently. Texas State is clearly the beneficiary of all that available talent.

2. PITT. A 62-point win over any Michigan, big or lil’, requires the team name to be written in capital letters. Those 409 rushing yards were the perfect “formula” for the No. 2 spot, Paul Chryst!

3. Memphis. Sure, Memphis only won three games last year. Sure, the Tigers haven’t made a bowl game since the 2008 magicJACK St. Petersburg Bowl, which is so long ago that magicJACK was still a thing. Sure, Memphis hadn’t scored 50 points in a non-overtime game since 2005. Doesn’t matter. Hang 63 on Austin Peay, and you’re immediately in my national title picture.

5. Northern Illinois. Whenever you can beat an entire religion 55-3, you’ve established yourselves as an elite program. Think of it this way: Georgia State beat the Christians from Abilene, Texas by one point. Northern Illinois beat all the Presbyterians in the entire world by 52.

6. Mississippi State. After the first weekend of the season, one thing is clear: Mississippi State is the frontrunner in the SEC. A 49-0 win over Southern Miss was far more impressive than narrow wins by Alabama and LSU and a tie by Florida. A 0-0 tie? Come on. This isn’t the World Cup.

7. Baylor. The Bears crushed SMU 45-0 after scoring 24 in the opening quarter. It was a typically impressive display by Baylor’s well-known defense, though the offensive explosion was somewhat out of character for an Art Briles squad. Baylor is the only Big 12 team in the poll, though you have to think that the conference is thinking of adding Texas State soon.

8. Nebraska. It was probably a bad idea for Florida Atlantic to fire Bo Pelini’s brother last year, because the cat man took out all of those family frustrations on the Owls. We’ll see next week if Nebraska can carry that motivation forward against McNeese State. Odds are that Pelini can find some sort of perceived slight to fire up his squad.

10. Oregon. South Dakota was no match for the Ducks, who reaffirmed their status as a Pac-12 favorite with a 49-point win. But the fact that the top team from the conference is behind nine other teams in this poll shows just how down the Pac-12 could be.

11. Akron. Don’t know if you noticed, but Akron beat the Buffalo Bills, 41-0, on Thursday night. Every year, we ask if one of the best teams could beat an NFL team. Now we know two things: That it can be done, and that Akron is one of the best teams.

12. Stanford. The Cardinal are back in the Pac-12 mix after a 45-0 win over UC Davis. They did it the Stanford way, too: With 312 yards passing and four touchdowns through the air.

13. Arizona. The Wildcats played against UNLV, which went to something resembling a bowl game last year, and won by 45. Arizona outscored UNLV 24-7 in the third quarter. That quarter alone would be ranked 24th in this poll.

14. Kentucky. The Wildcats opened the season with a 59-14 win over Tennessee-Martin. It’s even more impressive when you realized that Tennessee-Martin is allowed to have players who are not named Martin. With Vanderbilt, South Carolina, and Florida so unimpressive this week, Kentucky has to be considered a favorite in the SEC East.

15. East Carolina. ECU defeated North Carolina Central, 52-7, in a game that featured three different directions of Carolina. Up next: a visit to South Carolina, with North Carolina coming to Greenville in three weeks. How Western Carolina didn’t get on this schedule is beyond me.

16. Notre Dame. Uh, they’re Notre Dame. They pretty much have to be in the top 20. Duh.

17. Duke. The Blue Devils dismantled Elon, 52-13, and while I have no idea what Elon is or who plays for it, I’m guessing it will be pretty good this year.

18. Louisiana-Lafayette. The Ragin’ Cajuns destroyed Southern, 45-6, Saturday, raising the question: Is UL-Lafayette the best team in Louisiana? Given that LSU only beat Wisconsin by four, the answer is yes.

19. Michigan State. Sparty cruised to a 38-point win over Jacksonville State Friday night, scoring 38 points in the first half. There was a time last year when we wondered if Michigan State could score 38 points for the season, so this is a step up.

20. Arizona State. The Sun Devils rolled through Weber State, 45-14, an impressive performance regardless of which imaginary state is on the other sideline. Maybe Weber State and Jacksonville State can play a Battle of the Imaginary States so that we can determine whether Arizona State is better than Michigan State.

21. Michigan. If there’s one thing we learned in 2007, it’s that Appalachian State is hot hot hot! That’s what makes the Wolverines’ 38-point win over them this weekend so impressive. If Michigan can keep up this 10 yards per carry average throughout the year, they’ll be awfully difficult to beat.

22. USC. The Trojans dismantled yet another fictional state (Fresno), 52-13, by racking up 701 yards of total offense and picking off four Bulldog passes. We’ll see how good they are against Stanford next week.

23. Alabama-Birmingham. UAB crushed Troy, 48-10, and somehow managed to do it without a wooden horse!

24. Utah. The Utes thrust themselves into the Pac-12 title discussion with a 42-point win over Idaho State. Yes, Idaho State is the third biggest team in Idaho, but Idaho has a rich football tradition that should not be ignored. Just ask every Boise State fan ever.

25. Temple. A 30-point win gets you in the conversation. A 30-point road win gets you consideration. A 30-point road win over an SEC team is enough to get you into the poll. A 30-point road win over an SEC team that won nine games last year is enough to get you into the top 10. A 30-point road win over an SEC team that won nine games last year in which you forced seven turnovers might make you the best team in the country.

So when Temple beat Vanderbilt on Thur--

Wait, it was Vanderbilt?

I might have to recalibrate.