MASCOT FIGHTS picks Week 8 college football games and hopes the Richmond Spider dies

I try not to get involved personally in MASCOT FIGHTS. It’s not my job. My job is to objectively adjudicate who would win a mascot fight between two college football mascots, so that my readers can become millionaires and billionaires. So far this season, my picks have gone 19-9 against the spread.

But today, I cannot be objective.

Because I have been called out by a mascot. And not just any mascot, but the world’s worst mascot, the only mascot that isn’t frightening because I fear being destroyed by it, but rather because it’s so physically gross and abhorrent that I cannot bear to look or think about it. The only mascot that cannot be made into a cute fuzzy mascot. The only mascot I would like to burn.

But first, the FBS picks. (You can also look at some serious gambling picks for the weekend here.)

Look, the tiger is one of nature’s most majestic, fearsome beasts. On the other hand:

Original photo: Ed Zurga, Getty Images

Pick: WESTERN KENTUCKY HILLTOPPERS

The Navy is extremely good at not succumbing to waves, regardless of their color. Honestly, send them out against Bama, and they’d just keep sailing past the Tide.

Pick: NAVY MIDSHIPMEN

This matchup takes place in nature across the globe, and let’s just say it is a mismatch.

Pick: BOSTON COLLEGE EAGLES

I keep tell you fools that literally any mascot can beat a Buckeye, an inanimate, perishable nut that can easily be stomped or eaten. And I keep picking their opponents. And they keep failing to beat the spread.

There is no way an armor-clad knight with a horse and weapons would be the first to fall in a battle with a buckeye. You could even dump thousands of nuts on a scarlet knight, and his or her horse would probably keep running and be fine. This is a no-brainer.

Learn, fools. Learn.

Pick: RUTGERS SCARLET KNIGHTS

This right here is our MATCHUP OF THE WEEK.

Not often you get to see two ferocious cats square off like this. In actuality, this would probably never happen because their ranges don’t intersect, and if you’re a vicious killer cat, it’s much easier to hunt animals that aren’t vicious killer cats like yourself.

What this all comes down to is size. The bobcat is fast enough to catch rabbits and feisty enough to take down deer, but it’s only about 15 pounds and less than two feet in length. Jaguars are also agile and crafty, but can be three times larger and almost 100 pounds heavier. This CAT BATTLE isn’t much of one.

Pick: SOUTH ALABAMA JAGUARS

This is what cowboys do! They tame and ride untrained broncos!

But they aren’t very good at it. It’s impressive for cowboys at rodeos to stay on a bronco for eight seconds. If the bronco wants to, it can get rid of the dude tryin’ to hang on.

Pick: BOISE STATE BRONCOS

Wednesday morning, I published a story about how cool it is that James Madison is hosting GameDay. In it, I talked about the possibility of which mascot Lee Corso will pick.

For me, it’s easy. Dogs are pretty much the best animals, and I do everything I can to make them a part of my life. James Madison’s mascot is a floppy bulldog with a crown. They have a fuzzy mascot who’s silly and a live mascot who’s silly.

Meanwhile, spiders are pretty much the worst animals, and I do everything I can to keep them out of my life. Richmond’s mascot is a disgusting spider. They have a fuzzy mascot with limbs springing from its back and a horror smile, and they have a live mascot who’s an actual tarantula that makes me vomit my appendix out when I look at it.

Thursday, these mascots began assaulting me. First, Richmond’s football team tweeted this at my company in response to the article:

Then, the TARANTULA ITSELF tweeted this at me, apparently using its spindly legs to type:

I don’t like you. You don’t like me. So you go build webs in dark corners, out of my sight.

It works for both of us. I am thousands of times larger than you and could crush you in an instant if I felt like it. So you stay in the corners. I don’t have to think about you, and you get to live in relative peace, trapping innocent victims in your horrible webs and ripping them limb from limb with your arachnid maws.

Right now, you are breaking our arrangement. You’re shoving your hideousness in my face. I must kill you.

I think JMU’s floppy bulldog will crush the spiders. I hope he does. Spiders are bad. I hate spiders. I hope they learn their lesson.

Pick: JAMES MADISON DUKES