Last week I begged the MASCOT FIGHTS gods to prove me wrong. I picked the Kansas Jayhawks, and also picked two Tiger football teams to beat two Cougar football teams even though I wasn’t sure either Tiger football team was actually capable of beating either Cougar football team. I put my faith in the mascots.
MASCOT FIGHTS: Michigan State and USC’s ancient war men will destroy the Buckeyes and Ducks
It’s a good week for long-dead civilizations with swords.
And the mascots rewarded me. All three picks panned out, and we’re sitting over .500 this season at 30-26. Not great, but we will improve this week with a slew of incredibly easy mascot picks.
(Disclaimer: SB Nation does not endorse mascots or animals fighting to the death. I bet you thought this would be a disclaimer about how we don't endorse gambling. Nah, we're fine with that. But the mascot death is only hypothetical.)
All times ET.
No. 20 Northwestern Wildcats vs. No 25 Wisconsin Badgers (-10,) 3:30 p.m., BTN
A reminder that wildcats are basically just regular-ass cats who live outside and fend for themselves instead of sleeping on your couch.
(Photo credit: Luc Viatour / www.Lucnix.be)
Meanwhile, badgers are uncommonly strong Murder Weasels. Sorry, Outdoor Fluffy, y’all are getting rocked.
Pick: WISCONSIN BADGERS
No. 9 Michigan State Spartans vs. No. 3 Ohio State Buckeyes (-13.5,) 3:30 p.m., ABC
My goodness, what a mismatch.
The Spartans were one of the fiercest military forces in the history of the world. Buckeyes are nuts! They are literal nuts! Nuts with no ability to defend themselves! Here are seven ways a Spartan could defeat a Buckeye:
1. Hit it with his sword
2. Hit it with his hand, a lot of times
3. Hit it with his shield
4. Step on it
5. Eat it. A lot of people have pointed out that buckeyes are toxic, but they’re not THAT toxic. You’d have to eat, like, hundreds of them before you died, and if you’re eating hundreds of buckeyes, that’s already a buckeye massacre.
6. Just continue surviving while the buckeye rots, since a human’s lifespan is several decades and a nut’s ability to stay viable is probably only a few months.
7. Hit it with his other sword.
Pick: MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS
No. 24 USC Trojans vs. No. 23 Oregon Ducks (-4.5,) 3:30 p.m., ESPN
This is just like the Spartan fighting a nut, but except this time it’s a cute little duck trying to escape his death at the hands of a mean soldier man. It’s a lot easier to hunt ducks now that we have guns, but I’m sure the Trojan had throwable weapons and trebuchets and stuff.
Pick: USC TROJANS
No. 10 Baylor Bears vs. No. 6 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-1,) 7:30 p.m., Fox
Let’s find out what will happen using extremely accurate Old West Simulator Red Dead Redemption:
Pick: BAYLOR BEARS
No. 15 LSU Tigers vs. No. 22 Ole Miss Rebels (-6.5,) 3:30 p.m., CBS
Nobody has ever won a rebellion against tigers.
Pick: LSU TIGERS
Charleston Southern Buccaneers vs. No. 2 Alabama Crimson Tide (-38.5,) 4 p.m., SEC Network
Nick Saban talked about how his team couldn’t overlook this game, and he was right. Several times in MASCOT FIGHTS we’ve come across the Alabama Crimson Tide, and it’s pretty clear that almost no mascots are capable of defeating a tide.
But the Charleston Southern Buccaneers? They’re pirates, man. They will sail over the tide with ease and ransack any villages they like. This is why the Vanderbilt Commodores always beat Bama.
Pick: CHARLESTON SOUTHERN BUCCANEERS
Cal Golden Bears vs. No. 11 Stanford Cardinal (-11), 10:30 p.m., ESPN
Bears can kill cowboys, but when was the last time you saw a bear take down a tree? How is this even a rivalry?
Pick: STANFORD CARDINAL
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