Uncle Luke ranks 8 Miami head coaching candidates: ‘Everybody hates Greg Schiano here’

1. College football coaching agent Jimmy Sexton. Why not? He’s orchestrator of all this shit. Get the guy controlling every single coach going to every single school.

2. West Virginia head coach Dana Holgorsen. I like Dana. If it was me, I’d be going after Dana for real hard, for more reasons than one. What he did at West Virginia, when he was winning there, the guys he had all were all Miami guys. Stedman Bailey and Geno Smith and those guys.

The type of offense he runs fits the guys in Miami. Hell, he’s got three guys on his staff right now that just recruit South Florida. The dude loves it here.

That kind of offense would be unstoppable. Guys here like ground-and-pound, which I don’t understand because we have athletes. No one would stop these kids if we ran in Oregon’s system.

3. Former Miami and North Carolina head coach Butch Davis. If it’s not Dana, I’d say the logical choice is Davis, even if he’s been out. He knows the program and the city.

4. Former Georgia head coach and former Miami quarterback Mark Richt. I love the Richt idea. But from my understanding, that he was at [Miami president Julio Frenk’s] house last night, and a couple of my guys are telling me that he basically said there that he wanted to retire.

If that’s the case, shit, I’d hate for that to happen because he’d have been perfect. And that’s hard for your alma mater to be calling you up and you don’t come and help them out.

[Update: Richt is reportedly the hire.]

5. Texas head coach Charlie Strong. I know he’s turned it down, and he’s crazy to turn it down, but he’s $5 million dollars crazy. He ain’t gonna last in Texas. In a perfect world, it’s Charlie Strong.

6. Mississippi State head coach Dan Mullen. The thing with Dan Mullen, his defense coordinator Manny Diaz’s daddy is one of the most powerful guys in Miami. He’s at one of the top law firms in town. I wouldn’t be surprised if his dad wasn’t pushing some buttons. Diaz is a good coach. I saw him going back with Dan and thought, “Oh, shit.”

7. Alabama assistant, former FIU head coach, and former Miami lineman Mario Cristobal. It’s crazy he can’t get an interview. It’s the stadium. Let me tell you, people I talk to around here want a big name guy. They’ve said money is not an issue. “Let’s put people in stands, this is practically a brand new stadium.” The way they converted a stadium, luxury suites in the stadium, they gotta sell a big name. So $4 million to put people in there is not an issue.

But that’s why Cristobal or [Florida State assistant] Tim Brewster won’t be on top of the food chain. Mario or Tim, if they didn’t have to put people in the stands on a business decision, they would have the job tomorrow.

8. Former Rutgers and Buccaneers head coach Greg Schiano. Everybody hates Greg Schiano here. If they hired him, it would be the death of this program. Ain’t one high school coach around here that likes him.

Why interview him? What’s his record [68-67 in college, 11-21 in the NFL]? He was OK at Rutgers. He shouldn’t even be in the conversation. His personality doesn’t fit these kids. They won’t put up with that shit he did in Tampa.

The South Florida kids that played at Rutgers have said no way. They hate his guts. The shit he did when he went there, with the billboards on I-95? I have no idea why they even talked to him.