Two hundred and twenty-nine days.
37 things that will definitely happen this college football offseason
Please save this list for referencing at a later date.
John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports
That's how long it will be between Ohio State's win over Oregon in the College Football Playoff Championship Game, and the first game of the 2015 season. That's a lot of time, and there will be lots of little happenings in the meantime.
In order to get out in front of this bumper crop of news, here are predictions of things that will absolutely happen this offseason.
- Les Miles speaks the forbidden name of God.
- Ed Orgeron buys a grizzly bear in March, sets it free in the swamp, and picks up its commitment in August to play defensive tackle.
- A Georgia player is suspended one game for menacing a small town in a WWI-era biplane.
- Gary Pinkel misses a press conference because he’s waiting in line for Yeezys.
- Paul Finebaum receives a second phone call in regards to Fordham football GO RAMS.
- All three Ohio State quarterbacks transfer. Whoops.
- Ole Miss spring game scoring system includes bonus points for “Christianly trash talk.”
- Gus Malzahn gets new frames, and, I mean, finally, right?
- Audio of a nasty Todd Graham rant goes public after the manufacturer of his Janet Jackson headset goes out of business.
- Iowa cancels spring practice after a bird plucks their only ball out of the air mid-punt and flies away with it.
- At one point you think you’ve caught yourself caring about Jameis Winston again, but it turns out it was only vapor lock.
- An elite 2016 recruit’s name has six apostrophes.
- Harvey Updyke trends on Facebook for reasons you immediately want to forget.
- Larry Fedora offers everyone on the team $500 if one of them can do more crunches than him. NCAA finds out in 2019.
- Jim Harbaugh makes up for lost time and tweets Gordon Lightfoot’s discography, line by line.
- Paul Chryst leaves Wisconsin in April to start a Culver’s franchise.
- Art Briles does not leave the state of Texas. Never has, never will.
- Georgia fans still refer to new offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer as “Bobo.”
- Will Muschamp thinks he’s sending a DM to a recruit, but he’s posting on Craigslist.
- SEC analysts compete to see which can predict all 14 teams to somehow have winning records.
- UAB roams Conference USA on horseback, establishing camp on Middle Tennessee’s field.
- Dabo Swinney introduces Jules the pig as his new graduate assistant.
- You wonder whether Steve Addazio calls his wife “Dude.” You learn he does.
- You discover you can win any argument with your Alabama fan in-laws by mentioning special teams, but dare not abuse this power.
- FIU hires Mario Cristobal back just to fire him again.
- Randy Edsall uses quotes from The Wire in recruiting pitches.
- Brian Kelly ghostwrites a column for Slate.
- Washington and Colorado coaches make hokey recruiting photoshops that are like “Take your game HIGHER” with super tacky marijuana leaves all over. You consider it.
- We find out Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott has been living in space for the past 18 months.
- The biology community is confounded when it’s discovered Al Golden’s sweat has pleats.
- Someone spreads awareness that Darrell Hazell is the head coach at Purdue. You’d forgotten.
- You find yourself saying, “Enough is enough, it’s time we got the Stoops boys together for a triple threat match at SummerSlam!”
- Charlie Weis takes another job in pursuit of being paid three separate buyouts at once. Godspeed, Charles.
- You find yourself emotionally invested in the saga of Jimbo Fisher’s hairplugs.
- Scott Shafer tries to do something memorable to jumpstart Syracuse recruiting, but it just makes him look even more like the jerk head coach of the other team in every high school football movie.
- Mark May tweets.
- You read the comments on a story about the Joe Paterno statue. What did you do that for, you big dummy?
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