Congratulations to Red for winning the Spring Games National Championship

Team Red won college football’s Spring Games National Championship, extending its streak to however many years in a row. Red won 28 of the 38* games it played in, far outpacing Blue and Green for the title.

* No one looked up this number to confirm it, because nothing about spring football is worth looking up.

Red’s big victories included The Red and White Game, The Red & White Classic and The Stuckey’s Red-White Brawl For It All. A 62-18 win over White at Arkansas’ spring game was perhaps Red’s most impressive victory.

White came in last in the spring standings, due to playing in more than 100 (or whatever) games in roughly a one-month period.

“I keep petitioning the NCAA to expand our rosters so we can compete on a level playing field, but I’m still getting no answer and I’m starting to get frustrated,” said Team White head coach A Disembodied White Cloud Wearing All-White Nike Air Monarchs. “It’s just not fair to the kids, who are out there working their tails off just to have to play up to eight football games at once across the country every dang April Saturday. Pardon my French.”

Scattered around the middle of the standings were teams including Black, Gold, Silver, Orange, and Purple, which probably went 1-2 or so at Clemson, East Carolina, and TCU. Other concepts competed, such as Team Pathway beating Team Oregon in the Ducks’ spring game, but Pathway isn’t a color as far as I’m aware, so it doesn’t count.

But the story, as usual, was Red’s dominance. We reached out for comment on the team’s strong showing, but Red’s head coach just stared at us until things got too uncomfortable and we left.

Bruce Thorson, USA Today Sports

I wouldn’t want to play for a coach like that, but you can’t dispute his results.