THE TOP WHATEVER: Washington State gets to be No. 1 this week, and you can fight me if you don’t like it

Yeah. What. Fight me. They beat USC 30-27 in Pullman, and maybe you need some context on how rare and marvelous a thing that is.

To wit: How are your eclipse glasses? Still holding onto them in case you decide to learn how to weld? Cool, let me just remind everyone who bought those that you’ll never use those again, and that over the entire course of the Washington State-USC rivalry — a 72-game stretch extending back to 1921 — the Cougars had only defeated the Trojans nine times.

Note: Had. Watching an eclipse is hard. Since 1921 there have been something like 15 total solar eclipses visible from some point in the United States. Most people have to drive several hours just to see one. All you had to do to see something much rarer than a total solar eclipse this past weekend was sit on your couch and stay awake until 2:30 a.m. ET.

The Cougs are undefeated, Luke Falk is still upright, and their defense put pressure on Sam Darnold all game long, even after Darnold pulled out his usual fourth quarter rally form. That’s impressive, even if USC obviously has got issues for days and lost a third of its offensive depth chart in a single game to injury. That last part isn’t Washington State’s fault, but for once, the only thing you can blame on the Cougs right now are other teams’ problems, and not their own.

They’re No. 1 this week because they had the biggest win — and also because when the hell else are we ever going to be able to say that, ever?

41-0 over Tennessee in Neyland, a game that’s best classified as a virus that will eventually kill Butch Jones’ tenure in Knoxville. It might not get him today or tomorrow or even at the end of the year, but it weakened the immune system defending the idea of him being coach. That’s how well Georgia’s playing right now, indistinguishable from a bad disease.

Jake Fromm rushed for two touchdowns on Tennessee. Tennessee needs a nap and possibly a medically induced coma.

The problem with beating Virginia Tech 31-17 in Blacksburg: stomping the Hokies so thoroughly that the final margin represents less the competition throughout the game, more Virginia Tech throwing stuff against a wall until it stuck late in a one-sided contest.

First-year starting QB Kelly Bryant will have a bad game against a good team eventually. This was not that week. Clemson’s defensive line will ... OK, to be frank, I don’t think it’s going to have a bad week. It’s like your grandparents’ old furniture: You can’t move it, you’ll probably need a team to even try, and if you run into it without looking, you’ll wake up on the floor. Defensive tackle Dexter Lawrence is the massive teak cabinet your grandma brought back from a trip to Malaysia, and if he falls on you, it will hurt.

Did whatever that was to Ole Miss in a 66-3 win over a team that just two short years ago beat the Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa. Let’s just write as little about them as possible until the SEC Championship Game, maybe even then not until the Playoff, because the key to happiness for the non-Alabama fan in 2017 is to ignore the Tide until the last minute, then accept whatever judgment they may lay on you at the end when you finally have to confront them. They’re death. Put them off for as long as you can.

45-14 over Indiana, America’s most daring team because it decided to kick to Saquon Barkley, who opened the game by returning said kick for a touchdown.

Barkley also threw a touchdown.

The remainder of Penn State’s season will be finding newer and more outlandish ways to get Barkley involved. This means Barkley converting a drop kick against Ohio State, then working the omelet station for the postgame buffet. The kick will be perfect; the eggs DELIGHTFUL. (Yes, the drop kick is still sort of legal in college football.)

A sort of confusing, 33-24 win over Northwestern. The Wildcats had more first downs and fewer turnovers and still lost to a team that sleepwalked through most of the game. Alex Hornibrook threw a pick that looked like one you’d throw in a backyard football game, but still won, which we think is the definition of “gamer” (i.e. a quarterback who can do some really heinous things but still win).

42-7 over an overmatched Oregon State, still very much beating the daylights out of bad teams. Which is all they can do, given their schedule! Which gets much tougher down the stretch in the Pac-12! Exclamation points indicating future praise to come, barring serious error on Washington’s part!

A 31-6 game over a feisty Duke that, while being unable to beat Miami, was happy to make it work for the win deep into the fourth quarter.

Running back Mark Walton, injured in the win over the Blue Devils, should be good to go against Florida State, a team coming off a triumph in its first win of the season, at Wake Forest. That’s a serious statement: Beating Wake Forest when it’s weirdscoring and hitting totals like 19 is damn near impossible.

Beat the wheels off Memphis, 40-13. This being a Memphis football team, one of those wheels was probably duct-taped on anyway, but this is still a feat for a team that might be playing the best football of any team in the state of Florida right now.

Not impressive on paper in beating Northern Illinois 34-28, but all San Diego State games are basically one-score games by design. BLUE COLLAR FOOTBALL NEEDS NO HUGE PROFIT MARGINS.

Still undefeated after a 31-21 win over our President — Chad President.

There is one point of concern for the Midshipmen: Navy threw the ball four times. NAVY IS OUT OF CONTROL WITH THIS WILLY-NILLY PASSING.

A 61-31 win over East Carolina goes into the pile with USF’s other extremely low-value wins over Illinois, Stony Brook, Temple, and UConn, giving them what might be the worst portfolio of any undefeated team in America. That said, a flawless resume is a flawless resume, even if under “jobs listed” it includes nothing outside your rich dad’s company.