Tiger Woods Beer: A Cablasian Twist With A Hint Of Ambien

Of course there’s a Tiger Woods beer being developed in Wales, which is hosting the Ryder Cup. There’s a robust market out there for Tiger-related merchandise, mostly because seeing Tiger Woods’ name on anything is enough to produce a room full of guffaws. You could just put “I Am Tiger Woods” on a white T-shirt, and it’d sell like crazy.

Anyway, the beer:

The ale, called Tiger Would, was created to mark the world No. 1 golfer’s trip to Wales. The pump clip -- an identifying logo attached to the handle of the pump for dispensing beer at the bar -- features a busty blond woman holding a golf ball.

“If Tiger Woods saw it, I would hope he would still have a sense of humour after all he has been through,” brewer Dave Waldeoff said of the beer.

HA! How zany.

But seriously, what should a Tiger Woods beer taste like? It’s kinda funny to name a beer after a famously disgraced celebrity, but if you’re going to do anything, do it right.

1. It should be heavily watered-down. The watering-down shouldn’t come at the expense of alcohol-content, but at least at first, it should be the most ambivalent-tasting beer in human history.

2. Also: Let’s try to give it a horrible after-taste. Tough to do considering how watered-down it should be, but this is a beer that, ideally, will make people legitimately unhappy about life. You’ll finish the beer, because our Tiger Woods beer will be insanely expensive, but you won’t like it, and afterward, you’ll wonder how anyone could ever make something like that on purpose.

3. Speaking of No. 2 ... You know what probably produces a pretty bitter aftertaste? Crushed up Soma and Ambien. Add it.

4. Our beer will have its own section on the menu. Dark? Light? No, our beer will be Cablasian. A light mahogany with a reddish tint, I’m thinking.