A day at Augusta National, where they even direct you when and where to pee

I finally did it. After years of watching the Masters on television, I finally made my way to Augusta, Georgia, to see the tournament live. I was one of the few blessed by the green jackets and had my name drawn in the annual ticket lottery. I had the good fortune of having the opportunity to purchase two tickets for Sunday’s round. I took my dad, a lifelong golf fan. It was a dream of his to see Augusta National, as well. Last Sunday, we both checked this item off of our bucket list and we walked through the gates of Augusta National Golf Club for the first time.

The first thing you notice when you walk into Augusta National is that every part of every process you go through is the most meticulously thought-out of any sporting event, ever. As we scanned our tickets and entered the grounds, we figured the best thing to do was to go to the merchandise tent and purchase souvenirs and gifts before we got too far out on the course and too deep into the final round. We made our way to the merchandise area and noticed the line was extremely long already. We decided to jump in it anyway and to our surprise, the line moved and it moved rapidly. If we were at Disney World, we would have sat in line for an hour at least. Not the case at Augusta National. An army to assist all customers filled the golf shop. The checkout process was painless, except for on my bank account, and we left the golf shop with two large bags of gifts for friends and family.

(Andrew Redington/Getty Images)

On our way out, we noticed there was an option to ship our stuff home. It was really a no-brainer. The staff took our giant bags, packed everything in bubble wrap, and shipped our haul home. Another expense, but easy enough.

After sending our merchandise back home, we figured it would be a good time to stop at the restroom before exploring the course. Again, we confronted an extremely long line of pleated-pants’d men, and again, the staff at Augusta National has it all figured out. Inside the men’s restroom were individuals tasked with directing traffic and encouraging people to finish faster and get out. It’s a different experience going to the bathroom at a sporting event and having “Two-shake limit!” and “Don’t make eye contact or talk to anyone -- save that for outside!” shouted at you. I have been to a lot of sporting events over the years, including several football games at the monstrosity that is FedEx Field, and I can say this was the most efficiently run restroom experience of any of them.

Okay, now we were ready to hit the golf course. We made our way past the practice area and headed toward the first tee.

The first thing you notice about the course is that everything is perfect, everywhere. The grass doesn’t look real. The flowers look fake. Watching it on TV for years, I thought my television was playing tricks on me. Nope. The course looks even better in person. I watched a volunteer pick up several sticks and twigs and put them in his pocket to keep up this aesthetic. Also, you know all those bird sounds on TV? I didn’t see a single bird on the course. Not sure how they do it, but pesky birds weren’t going make their way onto the course and potentially disrupt something. Again, they think of everything here and, some way or another, take care of it.

As we continued to wander the course, we predictably got spun around and lost. Another thing you will notice about Augusta National is that everyone is quite helpful. Don’t know where you are going? Just ask and someone will help you out. I think if we asked someone to draw us a map of where to go, they would have done it. We quickly learned that asking the volunteers and staff on the course questions was the best way to get information. Since no cell phones are allowed, these people had all the info you needed at the tip of their tongue. It was a machine. Who was coming down the fairway, who just made a birdie, did Jordan really just do that? More on that one later.

The morning progressed and I made it a point to see the whole golf course before it got really crowded. We saw every hole, recounting memories from each. We tried to figure out how Tiger’s ball made a 90 degree turn on No. 16. We stood in the pine straw on No. 13 where Phil Mickelson refused to lay up and played his miracle shot. I even took at peek at the spot on No. 10 where Bubba Watson played that hook to win in 2012. It was a little surreal to be in those exact spots, which only seem to exist on TV and highlight reels.

No matter how thrilled and distracted you are to be there, when you walk the course, you get tired. I know everyone will tell you that you can’t really appreciate the elevation changes unless you are there, but I thought that was overhyped BS. Nope. I was wrong. The hills are intense. The second is a steep dive. Eighteen is strenuous climb. Almost all of the holes are like that and it’s even more severe in person. Time for a beer and little rest.

I went to the concession area while my dad scoped out a spot to sit down. We quickly learned that beer wasn’t available until 12:30, and by that time almost everyone wanted a beer. The line was extremely long, but just like everything else, the concessions run like a machine. I grabbed a couple pimento cheese sandwiches and two generic light beers. There are no branded options for beer or soda, but I’m pretty sure it was Bud Light.

I found my dad and he was sitting on the ground halfway up the fifth fairway, near several empty chairs.

(Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

Even the chairs stick out at Augusta National. Most people have heard the rumor that if you place your chair somewhere, no one will mess with it. And that is true. Thousands of chairs line the course, but what you may not know is that it seems to be totally cool to sit in someone’s chair while they’re gone. If they come back, they will just politely ask you to get up and then you can find another spot. We drank our beers, sat for awhile and watched a bunch of groups play through. A nice man then came back for his seat, so we took it as an opportunity to wander the course once again and head to Amen Corner.

We walked a few holes and eventually came across the Jason Day-Dustin Johnson pairing. Another thing you may not realize about Augusta is that no one is allowed inside the ropes, unlike other majors and PGA Tour events. No reporters, no family, no celebrities. As I watched DJ, I found myself suddenly shoulder to shoulder with hockey legend and future DJ father-in-law, Wayne Gretzky. We cheers’d beer glasses and we both went our separate ways. It was another cool moment that makes Augusta different -- we were all fans at that point.

Now the actual golf was getting interesting too. We walked toward Amen Corner and heard the roars from all over. Yes, I thought this cliche was some BS too. No way could you hear the cheers from all over the course, but you really can. And you could tell what they meant. Everyone seemed to know that someone had made a hole-in-one. Everyone seemed to know that Matt Kuchar chipped in at the 16th. It was a weird sixth sense that I don’t think exists anywhere else.

While the roars were crazy, it did not compare to the horrified groans that I heard when we finally made it to Amen Corner.

Perched in the middle of the par-5 13th hole, we had a great view of the 12th green. We watched as Jordan Spieth dropped his ball about 80 yards from the green. Everyone began to whisper, “Oh no, did he hit one in the water?” We watched in horror as he hit, nay chunked, another in the water. The funny thing is, our little group, and those sitting on the 12th tee were really the only people on the course that knew about the disaster that had just taken place.

(Photo by David Cannon/Getty Images)

As Spieth made his way up to the 13th, the scoreboard operator pulled back a red “5” on the giant scoreboard. Everyone waited to see what the Golden Child had done. As the operator slowly posted a red “1”, a giant groan went up in the crowd. Did he really just make a quadruple-bogey?!? I still cannot believe what I saw looking back down the 13th into the farthest point of Amen Corner.

***

Of all the great moments from the weekend, one stands out in particular. As we made our way to the 13th for the first time, my dad blurted out, “This is Azalea, this was my dad’s favorite hole.” He got a little choked up as he explained to me the history of the hole and why his dad, a landscaper for 40 years, loved it. I don’t think he could name any of the other holes, but Azalea, he knew that one. We had a little moment and then resumed our walk, and I set aside any Augusta cynicism and embraced the “tradition unlike any other” tag line. It was a tradition for my dad to watch the Masters with his dad. It is a tradition for me to watch it with my family, and I am sure it will be the same with my kids one day. But a visit to The Masters was so much more than seeing just a golf tournament.

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