Cameron Smith captivated the world with his glorious mullet at the British Open

I am absolutely obsessed with Cameron Smith winning The Open Championship, and it’s not just because he’s a fellow Australian. I’ll admit that it’s mostly because of his flowing mullet and wispy thin mustache that makes every image of him hoisting the cup look like a random dirtbag wandered onto St. Andrews and took home one of the biggest prizes in golf.

Trust me, I use the term “dirtbag” with a love that knows no bounds, not as a pejorative. We’ve had the whole “every man golfer” schtick before, most notably with John Daly, but Daly tries way, way too hard. Smith comes by his dirtbag nature naturally.

You could show me a photo of Smith and tell me he won The Open Championship, then siphoned gas out of someone’s tank with his mouth to drive home and I’d buy it. You could tell me that Smith has a “shootin’ car” in this overgrown grass on his property that he uses for target practice, and I’d believe you. If you told me Smith once got chased by a pack of dogs for jumping the fence of a salvage yard to get a hubcap for his 1987 Holden Commodore, I wouldn’t bat an eye.

All I need in this world is for Cameron Smith to win The Masters so the next year the champion’s meal is a Chiko roll, which you have to be Australian to understand what the hell I’m talking about. It’s this batshit wild child of a Chinese spring roll invented by an Australian boilermaker and now a beloved Aussie gas station snack. Here, enjoy the commercial for this thing and it’ll all make sense.

Enough about weird Australian fried food, let’s chat about why I believe the mullet is the perfect athlete haircut and we need more of them. So, firstly, it’s the ideal gender neutral hairstyle. Literally anyone capable of growing hair can sport a mullet. Secondly, what is more perfect the concept of “business in the front, party in the back” when it comes to modern sports? I know that term is cliche, but it’s also kind of beautiful when you think about it.

We want athletes to be extremely serious on the field or court. To show peerless desire to be the best in their pursuits and conquer all obstacles. This is the business. We also want to see their personalities, know what they’re like away from the game — learn about them as people. This is the party. The business precedes the party, showing that the priority is on the game first, as it should be, but we also get a little glimpse under a hat or helmet that says “yeah, I could rip off their uniform at a moment’s notice and slam a 40 through a beer bong.”

I have nothing against athletes who rock up to games in their $1,000 Balenciagas, wearing a t-shirt that costs as much as my mortgage payment. Seriously, that’s awesome that they’re living their best lives and being happy — just give me the yang to this yin, a sports star who wears “the good Crocs” to a wedding. The mullet makes this all possible, and Cameron Smith winning The Open Championships shows the potential.

I am laying down the gauntlet: I want to see one star athlete in each major American sport to adopt a mullet by the end of 2022. That’s five months of grow time. I believe in you.