Jason Garrett Would Like To Invite You To His Eating Club For Some Pate

Sorry about the lack of links yesterday. Things got busy... I got lazy... You know how it goes. It will be remedied this afternoon. In the meantime, go read Drew’s Cowboys post. Remember back in Week 1? While venting about the terrible display from the Cowboys, I wrote about Jason Garrett’s Ivy pedigree:

...isn’t that the point of coaching? To show everyone how brilliant you are? To be so magically inventive that announcers feel compelled to cite your Princeton education and tab you one of the “brightest minds in the League”? Why run successfully when you can surprise everyone by throwing stupid passes?

So many questions, and for the Dallas Cowboys, Jason Garrett has all the answers.

He went to Princeton, you know.

And with Wade Phillips on the chopping block, after the jump, Drew imagines Garrett’s pitch to Jerry Jones for the top job.

Fear not, Jerry. I’ve been waiting for this day for a very, very long time. A position of this sort is in the GARRETT BLOOD. We were born for rule, good sir. That was what they taught us at my Eating Club. We didn’t merely eat lavish foods such as pate and shark fin stew and shaved Negro agnolotti. No, no. We also ate LEADERSHIP. We masticated upon its every nuance! We digested bravery! And feasted upon gumption! Oh, what a fine eating it was!

Now, let me lay out for you a very special 27-year plan for this organization that includes no less than TWO DOZEN TITLES FOR YOUR TROPHY PARLOR. Nothing makes a home like a fine trophy parlor!

(opens up massive Powerpoint deck)

As you can see, I’ve scripted the first 45,893 plays of the Jason Garrett Era, heretofore known to all as the reign of Garrett I. Each of these plays was designed using a special, proprietary Garrettmetric formula that takes the learnings of Gregg Easterbrook and advances it at least three quantums!

(clicks to first play, which is a swing pass to Felix Jones)

SWING PASSES TO FELIX JONES, SIR! EACH ONE MORE DEVASTATING THAN THE LAST! It minimizes risk while maximizing explosivity derivatives. And just when they’ve figured out our complex set of Felix Jones swing passes, we hit them with NAKED BUBBLE SCREENS TO DEZ BRYANT! No one ever expects a screen pass that fails to deploy blockers in front of the pass recipient. THAT’S THE GENIUS OF IT.

In moments of crisis, all we have is catharsis. NAKED BUBBLE SCREENS!