If you stepped away from the internet for a few minutes today, you may have missed the big news: Tiger Woods, the most famous golfer on earth, has joined the most pointless social network in history:
Tiger Woods Joins Twitter, World Kinda EXPLODES
What’s up everyone. Finally decided to try out twitter!
And he followed that introductory message with...
Yep, it’s me. I think I like this twitter thing. You guys are awesome. Thanks for all the love.
Sure, on its face, this looks like a pretty bland story. Who cares if Tiger Woods joined Twitter? That just gives him a new way to bore us to death. It’s Tiger Woods, after all. That’s what he does.
Of course, what Tiger Woods ALSO does is sleep with hundreds of women, have decadent, ambien-fueled trysts with porn stars, play poker all night with Michael Jordan, etc. Somewhere beneath the exterior that’s been sanded smooth by corporate America, there’s a gnarly beast of nature. A true Tiger, determined to make a mockery of convention, party like a rockstar and apologize to no one.
What would THAT Tiger’s Twitter look like?
I am Tiger Woods. I am I am on Twitter. And I am newly single. #TimeToExperiment
Tiger Woods
TigerWoods
25,000 new followers in my first day! But how many of them r female?! A tiger can't change its stripes ;) Tiger Woods
TigerWoods
What up world! Help me welcome my big bruh @TigerWoods to Twitter! Haaaa. Always gotta rep for my #NikeFamily 
LeBron James
KingJames
They called him the next MAGIC, and he can't even beat Orlando! ---> RT @KingJames Always gotta rep for my #NikeFamily Tiger Woods
TigerWoods
Damn, my man @TigerWoods got some corny ass jokes. #Truth #NikeFamily
Paul Pierce
paulpierce34
Naptime! #passtheambien Tiger Woods
TigerWoods
#DontTellNike #JustDoItTiger Woods
TigerWoods
@KingJames I know we're all #NikeFamily, but I don't know about welcoming @TigerWoods to anything. #FamilyValues
Tim Tebow
TimTebow
@TimTebow Hey Tim, remember that night we went out and partied in Orlando after u guys won the title? #OhWait #YouSuckTiger Woods
TigerWoods
@TigerWoods Uh, sorry I didn't find the need to join in on the excesses w/ you and @Percy_Harvin. I get my spiritual nourishment from up above.Tim Tebow
TimTebow
@TimTebow ............and thats why #YouSuck Tiger Woods
TigerWoods
#FreeCamNewton RT @TigerWoods: @TimTebow ............and thats why #YouSuck 
Percy Harvin
Percy_Harvin
BTW, I get my nourishment from above 2. And below. And behind. Sometimes sideways. Ever had nourishment hanging upside down? #NourishmentTiger Woods
TigerWoods
Tweeps, this waitress at Bennigans is so hot even @TheSergioGarcia would be interested. I wish I could get a pic. #Waitressatbennigans #DontTellNikeTiger Woods
TigerWoods
@TigerWoods What's that supposed mean, Tiger? 
Sergio Garcia
TheSergioGarcia
@TheSergioGarcia Um... #AWKWARDTiger Woods
TigerWoods
#LOL Ok that one was aight. "Sergio" #Pause RT @TigerWoods this waitress at Bennigans is so hot even @TheSergioGarcia would be interested.Paul Pierce
paulpierce34
@nonamejane hey, yu like getting your hair pulled? i bet u do. i KNOW u do. U wanna come to Bennigans? Tiger Woods
TigerWoods
Whoops! That was supposed to be a DM. Still getting used to this new Twitter thing :) Tiger Woods
TigerWoods
#DontTellNikeTiger Woods
TigerWoods
Gross. #GetTested RT @TigerWoods U wanna come to Bennigans? 
Pornstar Noname Jane
nonamejane
Feeling lonely, ladies. Ever been with a Tiger? #RAWRRRTiger Woods
TigerWoods
Ew. Is this the grossest man in the universe? RT @TigerWoods Feeling lonely, ladies. Ever been with a Tiger?
Michelle Beadle
ESPN_Michelle
Tigers have feelings too, you know. Tiger Woods
TigerWoods
Tigers have needs. Tiger Woods
TigerWoods
Even Tigers need to be loved sometimes. Tiger Woods
TigerWoods
This Tiger feels all alone right now. Maybe this Tiger should just take a permanent #TigerSnoozeTiger Woods
TigerWoods
@TigerWoods Eldrick, have you read my memoir on leading a winning life? Here's a link: http://amzn.to/doyPHX
Tony Dungy
TonyDungy
@TigerWoods The feelings ur feeling right now are natural. But feelings aren't facts, Eldrick. If u follow Him, rest assured, He will Forgive.Tony Dungy
TonyDungy
@TigerWoods A life of lust leads us to loneliness, Eldrick. I think u see that now. We need something more. Something bigger. Something higher. Tony Dungy
TonyDungy
@TigerWoods It's not my place to mettle, but with all due respect to Hank Haney, the Lord is the best swing coach in the universe. Tony Dungy
TonyDungy
@TonyDungy Jeez Coach. Easy with the @ replies. I was kidding earlier. #DontTellNike but I'm at Sapphire in Vegas. Chuck's here 2. we're not lonely... :) Tiger Woods
TigerWoods
@TigerWoods Don't run from the emptiness, son. It's okay if u are feeling lost and loney right now.Tony Dungy
TonyDungy
@TonyDungy Coach, I'm good I think. I just became the mayor of #SapphireGentlemensClub on @FoursquareTiger Woods
TigerWoods
UH OH! MJ just got here... And you how Mike is... No cell phones allowed anymore. Night night, Tweeps. Tiger Woods
TigerWoods
VEGAS, BABY! VEGASSSS #PassTheAmbien #justdoit Tiger Woods
TigerWoods
But #DontTellNikeTiger Woods
TigerWoods
See? Tiger’s not nearly as boring as you thought...
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