Deleted Scenes From ‘The Opening’

Nothing says “America” like buying an $80,000 armored truck in the name of promoting football. Actually, the only thing more American would be parking said truck in the middle of well-trafficked patio, hundreds of yards away from any actual roads. Because f**k yeah, that’s why.

Also, the life of an ESPNU cameraman is every bit as exciting as you’d expect.

More notes below.

The unintentional comedy at these things is off the charts. The endzone dances, for one thing, are kind out of control. That move where two guys jump in the air and touch hips like four feet off the ground? Yeah, that happens like a 100 times-a-game. And you can tell the kids have been practicing, too. One team even did a choreographed group somersault.

Also, all the teams had great chants, but none better than the team who chanted, “1...2...3... SWAG!” every time they broke the huddle. Now we all know what would happen if 17 year-olds could coach themselves.

Finally, there were the parents. It’s great to be engaged with your children, but when you’re screaming at your son playing in a 7-on-7 game 50 yards away, you’re pretty much Tim McGraw from Friday Night Lights. Personally, I prefer the Dad who was a dead-ringer for Cee-Lo, and went running up and down the sidelines after a big play from his son. “I just planted the seed!” he announced to everyone within earshot. “All I did was plant a seed!” Sports parents are the best.

Based solely on name... These are the players from the camp guaranteed to be successful one day. In no particular order: Landon Collins, Brandon Beaver, Jabari Ruffin, Cleveland Wallace, Bam Bradley, Cedric Dozier, Tanner Magnum, Devante McFarlane, Sawyer Powell, Reggie Ragland, Adolphus Washington, and Chad Kelly, because he just sounds like an obnoxiously effective quarterback. Check back in five years when my “whoa, that’s an awesome name” scouting strategy is vindicated by NFL success.

Keep Portland Weird! Portland is full of homeless hipsters. Not the most tactful description, I know, but there’s just no other way to put it. I traveled to Portland expecting beautiful weather and an eclectic nightlife, but nobody could have prepared me for the number of... not homeless people, exactly, just... So many people that seemed like they’d been living on the streets by choice.

I’ve just never seen so many homeless people with expensive camping backpacks and/or yoga mats. (If you’re really homeless, wouldn’t those get traded for food somewhere along the line?)

The weather in Portland was beautiful, I can’t imagine a much prettier place to visit in the heart of the summer, and everyone we met couldn’t have been nicer. Having said that, downtown felt like a homeless man’s Brooklyn in more ways than one. In any case, if you ever make it to Portland, “Homeless? Or hipster?” is a fun way to pass the time walking around the streets at night.

Crossing an Ace Hood concert off my bucket list. As someone who spent six months finding ways to tie Lil Wayne quotes to sports, I consider myself pretty “down” with the hip hop scene. But nothing provides a reality check quite like watching 150 17-years old go apes**t for Ace Hood, a one-time protege of DJ Khaled. (That’s right; not even DJ Khaled, but his understudy.) And thus explains the first time I’ve ever sincerely wondered, “This is what the kids call music these days?” I feel old.

Some perspective on Oregon football. From the main story:

The players lounge in Beaverton included at least 12 big screen TVs, all equipped with PlayStation 3s and advance copies of EA Sports’ NCAA Football 12. They had a smoothie bar, and a station where players could pay to customize t-shirts and sweatshirts. There were two full-time barbers on hand, as well, happy to shave team logos (and Nike logos) into recruits’ hair. And of course, there was a duffel bag’s worth of state-of-the-art Nike gear provided free of charge...

If that’s how Nike treats high school football players, imagine how well Phil Knight treats the Oregon team. See how the Ducks can technically follow the rules and still have a massive recruiting advantage?

Finally, Speaking of Nike Hooking People Up... I’m not an elite athlete, so most of the gear they handed out to players this weekend would look pretty stupid on me. But in case anyone at Nike’s reading, can a blogger get a pair of blogging gloves please?

1...2...3... SWAG!