It’s Always Been A ‘Cane Thing

Bruce Feldman’s ESPN suspension caused all sorts of controversy toward the end of last week, but best of all, it gave me an excuse to go back and re-read one of my favorite sports books, Feldman’s ’Cane Mutiny, an inside look at the University of Miami football program.

It’s the literary companion to the 30-for-30 doc from last year, and if that’s not enough to pique your interest, then maybe these excerpts will help. After the jump, relive the time Melvin Bratton prank called Brian Bosworth before the U dominated Oklahoma in Miami.

Here, my favorite college football anecdote of all time.

Miami couldn’t wait to get a crack at Bosworth. The ‘Canes were number two in the country, and the game was going to be on national TV. Kickoff was high noon. “We couldn’t sleep,” said running back Melvin Bratton on game day. “It’s five thirty in the morning and I’m just lying there looking around. Me and High are like kids at Christmas. We are so ready to get in their ass. Oklahoma’s been getting all the hype. It’s all Bosworth this and Bosworth that. We are ready to tear his ass up. I was going crazy. I said, ‘High, fuck the Boz and fuck that fade haircut of his. Let’s call that sumbitch and wake his ass up.’”

Bratton had read in the paper that the Sooners were staying at the Fontainbleau Hilton. He dialed up information and got the number for the Hilton’s switchboard. He called the Hilton and asked for Bosworth’s room. The woman at the front desk told Bratton the phones were turned off. “I said, ‘Tell him it’s Melvin fuckin’ Bratton,’ and Alonzo’s in the back ready to tear lamps out of the walls. She says, ‘Melvin, I know you from high school, and I don’t like him anyway. He’s a jerk. I’ll put you through.’”

Bosworth’s roommate answered. “Hay-lo?”

“Put Brian Bosworth on the phone,” Bratton screamed.

“Aw, hold on, dude.”

Another creaky voice said, “Hello?”

“Is this Boz?” Bratton yelled into the receiver.

“Yeah...”

“Well this is Melvin fuckin Bratton and Alonzo Highsmith, and this is your fucking wake-up call, muthafucka. And at high noon, we’ll see your sorry ass in the Orange Bowl and we’re gonna kick your ass fuckin’ ass.”

In the background, Highsmith is screaming, “Yeah, son of a bitch, kick your ass!”

“Okay, dude, okay,” Bosworth finally answered after a few seconds of silence. “That’s fine, but why y’all gotta wake me up so early?”

Bratton wanted to laugh, but instead scream, “Fuck you,” and slammed down the phone.

Then Bratton and Highsmith ran down the hall and banged on Jerome Brown’s door to wake him up. It was time for the defense to wake up Sooner QB Jamelle Holieway...

It’s included here because those ‘80s Hurricanes can never be remembered often enough, but also because we never would have gotten to enjoy that story without a kickass reporter like Bruce Feldman. Spencer did a nice job outlining why his fate at ESPN was so completely ridiculous, and earlier today Rob Neyer published an account of his own kerfuffle that left the Worldwide Leader looking as thin-skinned 10 years ago as they seem today.

But beyond his recent martyrdom at ESPN, it bears mentioning that Bruce Feldman’s always been pretty awesome, and we should appreciate his (massively underrated) work for its own sake.

Speaking of which... You can buy ‘Cane Mutiny here.