This guy really didn’t want Oregon to wear pink

Yes, the Oregon Ducks -- who have worn every color known to man and some known only to Hunter Pence -- wore pink helmets on Saturday, as advertised, for raising cancer awareness and money for the Kay Yow Cancer Fund. Got any interesting stories about that, Rob Moseley, editor of GoDucks.com?

Okay. So.

/deep breath

Let’s dive into this.

0:00: “Huge Oregon Ducks football fan, man. I mean, I watch ‘em every weekend.” This seems important. We’ll get back to this later.

0:10: “I read they’re gonna force those kids to wear pink helmets.” Presumably he read this via his subscription to Children Forced To Do Things dot biz, which has an RSS feed so you can avoid all those IGNORANT IDIOTS in the comments. Sheesh, what is the Internet coming to if I can’t even enjoy a nice blog post on CFTDT?

0:14: “Rob, I gotta be honest with you: I almost barfed.” I’m glad you feel this voicemail is a safe place, velvet-voiced stranger. Normally, people might be embarrassed to tell someone the thought of an unpaid student-athlete wearing a specific color comes perilously close to inducing spontaneous vomiting. You may want to consult a physician, though. I’m not one to cast stones, as I ate a 7-11 “French Toast Sausage Roller” on Saturday, but that’s not a thing that should be happening to your body.

0:17: “Now they’re gonna politicize and feminize the game of ... football?” Uh ... not sure how “pink” is “politicizing” or “feminizing” anything! Is this guy not aware this is for cancer awareness and research? Does ... does he think this is for something else? Dear god, WHAT DOES HE THINK THIS IS FOR? “They’re forcin’ these kids to dress up like clowns for National Get Berated By Closed-Minded Traditional Binary Gender Roles Ignoramuses, Betsy! GET ME ROB MOSELEY’S NUMBER.”

0:22: “I mean it’s so stupid, Rob.” Oh, good, we’re in agreement. Now we can both go our -- another 1:40 of this?! Hoo boy.

0:25: “We watch the Saturday games to get away from that crap, sir.” Away from ... cancer? Or away from icky women and their gross COLOR they own? Either way, lol what

0:32: “It’s an escape from all that ... political and all that ... feminization and all that crap that we’re fed all week long.” Oh, it’s an ESCAPE from all that crap you’re fed all week long! I forgot about the three hours a day all citizens are forced to watch the Women Are Human Beings Channel. CAN’T EVEN CONCENTRATE ON MY CFTDT SECOND-SCREEN EXPERIENCE WITH WAHBC BLARING ALL THE DANG TIME DADGUM IT.

As a quick aside here: it’s important to note that colors don’t have genders! They’re just colors! Blue is a “boy” color and pink is a “girl” color because someone a couple hundred years ago arbitrarily decided that should be the case, for marketing purposes. Subscribing to the belief that any color is more “masculine” than another just kind of makes you an asshole. Also, it’s the year 2013. Don Johnson was wearing pink pastel suits 30 years ago and everyone thought he was a total badass. Hope that helps!

0:42: “And now they’re bringing it into the game of college football.” Yeah, you should be really concerned about the sanctity of the team that once wore this.

0:50: “I’m sure that most of those kids -- if they’re normal males ... they probably resent having to wear pink helmets and pink shoes.” The scoff-slash-disbelieving chuckle here is a nice touch. IMAGINE! A heterosexual in PINK! He’ll be laughed out of the Senate! Hey, you know which people are pretty stereotypically masculine? Pro wrestlers. You’ll never BELIEVE what they’re wearing this month!

1:01: “I’m sure the Washington State Cougars are really gonna razz them about that. And they should.” Oh yeah, they totally should. I’m all for cancer-specific bullying. “Hey, cancer boy. Way to care about cancer. Bet you got a loved one who died of it, didn’t ya? Huh? Bet you wish they’d find a cure so it wouldn’t keep killing lots of good people all the time. MAMA’S BOY.”

1:07: “There’s no place in football for that stuff, Rob.” STICK TO SPORTS.

1:13: “None of you Oregon men probably have any gonads.” Oh, sick burn, FAN OF THE OREGON FOOTBALL TEAM WHO WATCHES EVERY SATURDAY. Self-burn, dude. Also, you can tell it’s a super-sweet burn when the chosen euphemism for testicles is “gonads.” Really puts you in “child from 80s coming-of-age-movie” territory. His backup, I’m sure, is “nards.”

1:18: “Of course this came out of Oregon, the liberal capital of the United States.” Man, they’re way too busy recycling their own urine for drinking water and putting birds on things to vote on national issues, dude. Get your stereotypes current.

1:25: “ ... next to San Francisco.” Whew, saved yourself in the nick of time. Where do you think this guy lives? I’m gonna guess either Reno or Martinez, Calif.

1:32: “I don’t know whether to laugh or cry when I watch the Ducks this week.” Emotions are hard! Sometimes it’s difficult to get out of bed. Sometimes it seems impossible to express your emotions. Sometimes you gotta leave a voicemail with a stranger about how you’re disappointed about colors. It’s all a rich tapestry.

1:41: “You shouldn’t do that to the kids, Rob.” Rob, you’re history’s greatest monster.

1:47: “We’re men. Okay? Male ... a male game.” Well, now you don’t sound so sure!

1:51: “Stop tryin’ to turn it into a powder puff party or a sorority party or a Tupperware party. It’s a football game, Rob.” Never heard of a “powder puff party” before but if I was given the opportunity to go to a powder puff party or a CFB game on the same day, I’m picking powder puff every time. You can probably get beer there. Advantage: puff.

Well, there you have it. Pink helmets are not something football should have, not something players should be forced to wear, will invite warranted verbal abuse and may make fans laugh, cry and/or vomit. The more you know! Thanks, anonymous guy! Doing the Lord’s work here.