A compendium of buttsports
In 2013, our gluteus maximi came into play more frequently on the field of play than ever before.
It’s a puck flying into the air, landing in the goalie’s buttregion, him not realizing it as he slid into his own net, and unwittingly scoring the game-winning, overtime goal for the Sabres.
I hate the phrase “this is everything,” but this is everything. It’s a freakish thing that should never happen. It results in a goal. That goal ends the game. It involves butts. The combination of things going on here is astounding. I am in awe.
2013 is a wonderful time. Across the globe, butts have gotten involved in sports in ways we never could have believed. Let us take a peek, in a feature we call
THE COMPENDIUM OF BUTTSPORTS
This one is great on several levels: there’s tremendous failure, and that failure is cemented by face-to-butt. Faces and butts shouldn’t go together -- call me old-fashioned -- and when they do, comedy or much more disturbing things happen. The helmet falling off seals the deal.
Of all the sports, I think the NBA needs the most work. This scenario happens a lot where a player watches their man instead of the ball on an inbounds pass and gets the ball doinked off his back, but it doesn’t always hit the butt like it does here. Congrats, O.J. Mayo.
You know it, you love it. (It’s from 2012, but let it pass.)
This rivals #BUTTGOAL in terms of greatness, because of the sheer amount of things happening.
So, first off it’s Mark Sanchez, who is hilarious because of how bad he always is. And he runs into his own player’s butt completely unprompted. And it’s a TD. And he smacks the ground in sadness afterwards. It’s become played out -- it has its own Wikipedia page -- but that doesn’t take away from the sheer brilliance.
SOCCER: BUTTGOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
This comes from the Czech Republic:
The player is David Hovorka, and he’s a reserve player for Sparta Prague. This is a low-level match -- Sparta is one of the best teams in the country, and he’s playing for their reserve team in a third-tier game -- but this has something none of the other plays has: Hovorka intentionally uses his own butt. In most plays, the butt is a byproduct of outrageous misfortune. Here, Hovorka sees the ball swinging in behind him and thinks “BEST WAY TO PUT THIS IN THE NET IS THE OL’ POOPER” and butts it on home. Great work.
We have accomplished some great buttstuff, but there are worlds ahead of us. I feel we are merely scratching the surface, and look forward to future excellence in the field of Buttsports.
