TNA Impact Wrestling, in all its eternal glory and wisdom, has devised an event for Aug. 7 titled “National Put Your Boss Through a Table Day.” That’s right, they’re advocating for people all around the country to assault their employers on Thursday and send them video of it.
Sports bosses who deserve to be put through tables
Don’t assault your boss. Imagine these bosses getting assaulted instead.
James Dator has been covering a wide range of sports for SB Nation for over a decade, with a special focus on the NFL.
We’re sure this will go exceedingly well and there won’t be anyone who doesn’t understand this is kayfabe or takes it three steps too far. Don’t assault your boss, seriously. They’re trying to do their best. Heck, they even let you wear jeans on Fridays sometimes and make sure there are granola bars at the monthly sales meeting.
In short: Don’t put your boss through a table. That said, in the sports world there are ABSOLUTELY some bosses we would love to see get put through tables.
NFL representative: Dan Snyder, owner of the Washington football team
Why?
There are scores of reasons. Perhaps it’s his inane intractability at the inherent racism of his team’s nickname, or perhaps it’s because he meddles way too much in team affairs. Heck, before the name controversy broke out most fans hated Snyder, then some forgot they hated him and now hail him as a champion.
It takes a bold man to beat out Roger Goodell for this honor, but you’re the one buddy.
NBA Representative: Donald Sterling, former owner of the Los Angeles Clippers
Why?
You’re kidding, right? Nobody in the world of the NBA deserves to be laid out more than Sterling. The only upsetting part is that if he took out the Spanish announcer table he’d probably enjoy it, so we’d need to make sure it was a 3D in the middle of the ring or something.
MLB Representative: Marge Schott, former president and CEO of the Cincinnati Reds
Why?
She was Sterling before Sterling. An unabashed horrible racist who once said that Hitler “wasn’t so bad in the beginning.” Look, plenty of people might want Bud Selig driven through a table or any number of players they don’t like, but Schott managed to offend every single minority while she was an owner -- and she had power to do something good, but didn’t.
D-Von, get the tables.
NHL representative: Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner
Why?
Let’s ask SB Nation NHL editor Travis Hughes why Bettman deserves to be driven through a table:
“Three lockouts in 19 years.”
That’s table-worthy.
NCAA representative: Mark Emmert, President of the NCAA
Why?
It takes a special kind of skill to lead a multi-billion-dollar non-profit organization that’s making inordinate amounts of money, but manage to duck every bullet that flies your way when something goes wrong.
Look, Emmert, you can try to avoid the unionization of athletes and blame schools whenever something wrong happens, but sooner or later you’re going to have to pay the piper. It’s table time.
Bonus representative: Charles Montgomery Burns, owner Springfield Nuclear Power Plant
Why?
- Polluted the environment and tried to bribe the EPA.
- Attempted to block out the sun.
- Doesn’t know what sideburns are.
- Released hounds on girl scouts.
- Put apples in vending machine.
h/t With Spandex
