Russia picked a goggle-wearing party wolf to be its World Cup mascot
James: Have we talked about Russia’s World Cup mascot?
Mark: It’s a wolf. A soccer playing wolf — with goggles.
James: Gogglewolf.
Mark: That wolf looks like he fell down a chimney while wearing goggles.
James: I haven’t seen a Russian wolf before, but I find it hard to believe they have that weird patch of nothingness around their eyes.
Look, they even made him a bio.
James: Wait... are they admitting the wolf cheats using his target-finding goggles?
Mark: Maybe he has an astigmatism?
James: They look like those yellow-tinted sunglasses you get at Best Buy that are supposed to help you with first-person shooters.
The wolf is fine, I guess, but Russia screwed up. TAKE A LOOK AT COSMONAUT TIGER!
Mark: Couldn’t they hedge a bit and have the wolf and tiger be dual mascots? Like, the wolf could be the Steve Harrington of Russian animal soccer and cosmonaut tiger is like Martin Prince.
James: At least make it a cosmonaut wolf. I’m very upset by this.
Mark: Soccer wolf just wants to play soccer and party. Cosmonaut Tiger is a skilled soccer tiger, but he’s also very studious and can play a sweet clarinet solo on the side.
I want NOTHING to do with soccer cat, by the way.
James: Soccer cat is absolute trash. I’m genuinely upset it came within 7 percent of cosmonaut tiger.
Mark: It reminds me Bubsy or Knuckles from the Sonic the Hedgehog games.
James: Totally. Soccer cat is some weird second-rate mascot nobody likes.
Mark: The wolf has goggles, the tiger is an astronaut, the cat is just a f**king cat.
OK, it’s red and it’s got stars on it, but that’s about it.
James: Needs more hammers and sickles IMO.
Mark: One more reason why I would pick Cosmonaut Tiger: he’d also be really great on a cereal box
James: So we’re in agreement that Cosmonaut Tiger is the absolute best mascot, because I’m right there with you.
How would you grade all three of the prospective mascots out of 10?
Mark:
Cosmonaut Tiger: 9.8/10.
Gogglewolf: 6.3/10 — wait, no ... 6.9/10.
Borderline Communist Soccer Cat: 3/10.
James:
Incredible Space Tiger: Sputnik/10
Gogglewolf: 5.8/10
Communist Soccer Cat: Tear down this wall/10
