Texas-based supermarket H-E-B recently released a cereal that pays tribute to Tim Duncan, who had a wonderful jersey retirement last December. The cereal’s called “Slam Duncan O’s,” a name that’s such a dad joke that it fits with Duncan’s sensibilities.
Tim Duncan has his own cereal now and it sounds DELICIOUS
H-E-B even released a commercial that falls in line with their other comedic Spurs collaborations — this one involves Duncan talking to a focus group full of children, who don’t seem too interested in the cereal.
Here’s what makes this cereal sound so appealing:
1. It’s got Tim Duncan on the box, so its got star appeal that rivals most Wheaties boxes.
2. The cereal itself sounds more rad than Wheaties.
With delicious naturally flavored honey nut toasted O’s as “Hoops” and crisp, chocolatey puffs as “Basketballs”, we’ve made it so that everyone can make a slam dunk, just like Tim!
They — and by “they,” I want to believe it was actually Duncan himself -- combined Honey Nut Cheerios and Cocoa Puffs and resold this as basketball cereal. I’m sorry, Wheaties. You’re a lot healthier than what is advertised in Slam Duncan O’s, but if given the choice between a bowl of wheat and milk, and a bowl of honey-chocolate sugar juice that has a .05 percent chance of helping you dunk on people, everyone would choose the latter.
3. According to My San Antonio, some of the proceeds will go to the Tim Duncan Foundation, so you’ll be contributing to a good cause while your body consumes that sweet, sweet sugar juice.
Now, there are some caveats to these Slam Duncan O’s:
1. This is a limited-time offer, as H-E-B is reportedly making 400,000 boxes of cereal, and there are 1.4 million people in San Antonio as of 2014. It’s a bummer, but also understandable, because Duncan probably doesn’t want this to be his whole endeavor. “Cereal salesman” was probably not a career choice for his post-NBA life, and people would likely get sick of him as they see his cereal over and over again.
There’s also the problem of possibly getting into kerfuffles with other cereal mascots like Count Chocula, the Cheerios Bee, Cap’n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop, and the Lucky Charms leprechaun. It would be entertaining to see Duncan participate in a Royal Rumble-style match with those fools, but he just retired — let him live his life.
2. I’m sure everyone in America (namely Spurs fans outside of Texas) would love to get their hands on some Duncan O’s. Unfortunately, if you don’t live in Texas, you will not get this.
The silver lining to this limited availability is that we have the ingredients to make our own Slam Duncan O’s: Just get a half a bag of Honey Nut Cheerios, half a bag of Cocoa Puffs, put both of them into a new bag, shake well until they’re all mixed, put the full bag into a blank box you can draw on, glue or draw some pictures of Tim Duncan onto the box, and there you have it, you have successfully defeated H-E-B at their own game. Now go enjoy your fake batch of Slam Duncan O’s.
