Welcome to the ‘Stranger Things 2’ basketball universe

(Warning: There are Stranger Things 2 spoilers below. If you haven’t watched it yet, you should do that before proceeding. If you *have* seen it, let’s basketball!)

Stranger Things 2 is sports. It became sports when Steve and Billy went head-to-head in a shirts vs. skins game in Episode 3. Stranger Things 2 was the first time we saw sports in the show, and it was glorious. Sure, it was supposed to highlight machismo run amok in Hawkins High, but it meant more to us.

A year ago we outlined what an NFL team in Hawkins would look like, but since then the town has expanded and things have changed. There are more characters, clearer factions — lines drawn in the sand. Now, following Steve and Billy’s lead we only have one clear path to proceed:

The Hawkins Basketball Association is a six-team league based in Indiana, with satellites in Chicago and The Upside Down. Its aim isn’t to compete with the NBA, but rather offer something professional basketball can’t: Mixed gender teams, with monsters and superpowers. Let’s break down the squads.

PG: Steve Harrington
SG: Nancy Wheeler
SF: Billy Hargrove
PF: Tommy H.
C: Keith (from the arcade)
Sixth Man: Carol

Head coach: Murray Bowman, Assistant coach: The rocket fuel punch that got Nancy drunk.
Team photographer: Jonathan Byers

This is the one team we have game film on, and on some level you’d think this would make them an easy pick to go all the way — but there are deep problems with the chemistry of the team.

Essentially there’s a love triangle in the starting five with Nancy, Steve and Keith (who is desperate all season for a date) and then Jonathan is on the sidelines and he’s in love with Nance too. Apologies to fans of Jonathan Byers. He’s neither a great shooter, nor a great communicator, but his photos are fantastic. Then you compound the issue with Billy, who absolutely hit on Nancy’s mom and it seemed reciprocal. If Nancy finds out this locker room is going to explode.

Billy has hoops ability though. Shout out to that sick between-the-legs layup. Hard to see him doing enough to make up for Keith, who might as well be doing nothing at all. This team is an utter disaster. They won’t win a single game all season.

PG: Eleven
SG: Max Mayfield
SF: Lucas Sinclair
PF: Mike Wheeler
C: Dustin Henderson
Sixth man: Will Byers

Head coach: Bob Newby, Assistant coach: Mr. Clarke
Team Weakness: Dragon’s Lair

The Wildcats have a really strong team this season with the addition of Max at zoomer, which we’re going to interpret to be shooting guard. Good first step, an element of meanness and a clear ability to be the rook on a veteran team.

Dustin’s having a bad year. He could really be a liability on the roster. Let’s face it, he made a lot of bad moves. His season arc was screw up after screw up, hoping his grin would get him through (it did, luv u Dustin), but putting him at center will keep the ball and decision making out of his hands as much as possible.

Will Byers would normally be a starter, but his head hasn’t been in the game. He’s a liability on the court, copes poorly with heat, and there’s a real risk of him spying for the Shadow Monsters. It’s just too much to put him in the five.

PG: Demodog
SG: Demodog
SF: Demodog
PF: Demodog
C: Demodog
Sixth Man: Demodog

Head coach: Shadow Monster, Assistant coach: Dart, the Demodog
Team snack: Three Musketeers

This is the Golden State Warriors of the Hawkins Basketball Association. Having a hive mind is almost better than a superteam, and no other team can match their non-verbal communication.

A lack of opposable thumbs is a clear weakness on this roster, but if Air Bud can hoop then the demodogs have a chance. There’s precedent here, and we have to follow it. We saw the dogs jump, devour and have incredible speed. All skills that are useful here, and the Shadow Monster at coach is truly unfair because it can get into the minds of the opposition and literally possess them.

PSA to the other teams in the league: Be wary of playing them at home, because they will eat you up and spit you out.

PG: Punk Eleven
SG: Kali
SF: Mick
PF: Dottie
C: Funshine
Sixth Man: Axel

Head coach: Kali (player coach), Assistant coach: Punk Eleven
Team Funding: Life of crime.

This team is basically doing everything by themselves, which is admirable. The risk is that without a guiding force to center them, they will probably fall apart as time goes on.

Sure, the team has issues , but Kali can make people see things that aren’t there, like the ball going through the basket when it actually missed by 20 feet. With that in mind (pun intended), we’re guessing they’ll have a 30-game win streak before the cops arrive and the players are permanently suspended from the league.

Oh, and if you’re wondering why Eleven gets to play point for two teams it’s a clear Chris Paul/Cliff Paul situation.

PG: Dr. Sam Owens
SG: Nameless Scientist [deceased]
SF: Nameless Scientist [deceased]
PF: Nameless Scientist [deceased]
C: Nameless Scientist [deceased]
Sixth Man: Nameless Scientist [deceased]

Head coach: Ghost Brenner, Assistant Coach: Nameless Scientist [deceased]
Team Motto: “You’re gonna get burned!”

A ghost, one mauled scientist and a bunch of dead guys. Still have a better shot than Hawkins High.

PG: Joyce Byers
SG: Flo
SF: Karen Wheeler
PF: Jim Hopper
C: Claudia Henderson
Sixth Man: Mr. Holland

Head Coach: Erica Sinclair, Assistant Coach: Benny (RIP Benny — we miss you, sweet prince)
Team Bench (not like, off the bench — but the actual bench): Ted Wheeler

This team took huge strides forward in the off season. If created in year one we’d need to lean on questionable adults who are basically glorified scenery, but in Stranger Things 2 we got a really deep depth chart of quality adult talent.

Claudia is one of these characters, and Dustin’s mom is equal parts sweet as can be and stern, but you KNOW she’s a total bad-ass when things go down. Love the potential of Mr. Holland off the bench. Sure he’s grief-stricken and still looking for Barb, but he’s chicken-powered as well. Flo was a coach on the Hawkins’ NFL team — but her dedication to Hopper’s health makes her an excellent team member now. She’ll keep him centered and out of foul trouble.

Ted is incapable of doing anything well, so he’ll just nap court side and let people sit on him.