A definitive ranking of the best championship parades of 2016-17

Celebration parades are no new thing. From college championships to Olympic events, every victorious team wants to come home to a cheering town and confetti.

After being spoiled by an entire year of thrilling championships, I’ve taken it upon myself to rank their respective parades. Taking into account how fun they are to watch, the size of the event, the fan experience, and uniqueness of the spectacle.

This year’s Super Bowl was definitely one for the books — but its parade wasn’t. From a frowny Bill Belichick (who failed miserably at attempting a “no days off chant) to Gronk giggling at a 69 joke, the celebration didn’t have the broad appeal championship parades usually do. The players seemed to be having a good time, though, ignoring the mayor’s no-alcohol rule and crushing Grey Goose, fist-pumping, and dancing together aboard their duck boat. Gronk did make a pretty nice Bud Light catch, I’ll admit.

While the players were having fun, the crowd didn’t seem as unified and jazzed as other celebration parades. Maybe Boston has finally just had too many?

Team USA didn’t have an official welcome home/victory parade, so I’ll be counting the Closing Ceremony as their championship parade.

First of all, Simone Biles as the flag holder = 10/10. She is 4’9 of awesome and high-key one of the best athletes on Team USA. The Closing Ceremony also gets uniqueness points for inter-sport friendships, dazzling pyrotechnics, and fun musical numbers. Despite how cool it is to watch the ceremony, you don’t feel really a part of it as a fan like you do in hometown parades. Also, Great Britain had funky light-up shoes that were way cooler than our boat shoes, so America definitely lost out on this one.

Clemson drew 30,000 fans to celebrate making the College Football Playoff last year, so naturally its championship parade this year was packed — 70,000 people practically filled Memorial Stadium. As an added factor, the players rolled up in some pretty sweet orange Jeeps. If The Roanoke Times is right, some Clemson players and future NFL stars “joyously skipped” down the hill to the stadium, which is definitely something I wish I had been there to witness.

Chicago Cubs fans were absolutely starving for a title. I kind of wish the parade had been 1908-themed, with a throwback to gas lamps and whatnot — perhaps that could’ve elevated it to No. 1.

The Cubs garnered an estimated five million people for their celebration, all packing into a 7-mile-long procession. This one was a close contender for the No. 1 spot, mostly for its sheer size, but the players’ distance from the fans detracts from the in-person experience.

How do you not love a championship parade that celebrates one of the biggest sports memes? Not to mention, LeBron looked like the absolute man standing up on his Rolls Royce, beckoning to a 2-mile stretch of crowd. Thousands of Clevelanders gathered to peep their no-longer-title-thirsty team, standing on signs and scaling parking garages all over the city.

Even though it was harder to see the players as they rode around in normal-sized cars (instead of a huge bus like most teams did this year), we all felt like LeBron was one of us, instead of just another instance of an audience spectating from below. This parade felt like a party for everyone — not just Cleveland — thanks to the city’s heartwarming underdog story.