‘Silver Pawns’ is the perfect new name for the Raiders in Las Vegas

The Oakland Raiders are inevitably moving to Las Vegas, and it’s a dang shame. They’ve been a staple of California since 1960, but times change and we must change with them. That’s why I have a modest proposal: Change the team name to the “Vegas Silver Pawns.”

Let’s discuss why this is a much better name for Las Vegas than “Raiders.”

Firstly, it allows the Raiders name to be kept open in case of eventual NFL expansion so Oakland can have the team back, preferably owned by Marshawn Lynch — but that’s a story for another piece of fanfic. Keeping the Raiders name clear would avoid any of that weird dancing back-and-forth like the New Orleans Pelicans and Charlotte Hornets did.

Secondly, it’s on brand. The city already has the Golden Knights in the NHL, so we keep the theme going with the Silver Pawns. Vegas is a city of gaming, so why not have things fit into a chess motif? Should the NBA ever come to Sin City, we could have the Bishops.

Thirdly, it’s got a double meaning. Pirates are wholly unable to access land-locked Nevada. It makes no sense the same way the “Utah Jazz” is problematic. This name helps identify in clear terms what the city is all about. What is more Vegas than some poor sap pawning their grandmother’s precious silver so they can get back to the craps table?

Fourthly, we keep the colors. This is the nicest re-brand in the history of sports. We’re not changing the colors at all, so all your jerseys still work if you’re a Raiders fan looking to make the transition to supporting the Silver Pawns.

Fifthly, these guys.

People just love those Pawn Stars. There’s a unique joy in pretending you’re watching history on the History Channel when in reality you’re watching a dude get paid $172 for his dad’s WW2 medals. Pawn Stars will be prominent in all our branding. Every national anthem will be sung by one of the guys, and they’ll have booths in the stadium where you can sell your treasured family heirlooms in exchange for store credit to get a sweet Derek Carr jersey.

Sixthly, the entire field is a giant chess board. College football’s got it right when it comes to unique fields. Everyone remembers Boise State blue field because birds kill themselves diving into it thinking it’s a pond. A chessboard field will make the Silver Pawns unique, and attract a whole new audience to football. Which of the following statements do you think is more attractive to a chess grandmaster?

This opens up whole new marketing opportunities.

Seventhly, the phrase “He’s playing chess and everyone else is playing checkers” is one of the more tired idioms in sports — but this means it’s an opportunity. The Raiders are getting hot at the right time for a move, and we need new season ticket holders. Here’s the script from our first commercial.

[dramatic music]

VO: There’s a new piece in town ...

[close shot of top of chess pawn]

VO: It’s sleek.

[jump cut to bottom of pawn]

VO: It’s fast.

[jump cut to entire pawn]

VO: It’s ready.

Derek Carr: We’re playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers.

VO: Buy your season tickets today, or it’s check mate.

Eighthly, Marquette King. Best punter in the NFL, named after a chess piece (probably). Let’s just lock this all in.