Everyone knows that LaVar Ball believes he can beat Michael Jordan one-on-one. He’s said it, Grandpa Ball has said it — it’s family canon. The reason this assertion works is that it is never, ever, ever going to happen. MJ has nothing to gain by playing LaVar, and LaVar is desperate to prove his ability on the court. That’s why I have a modest proposal for the Big Baller himself: Play Air Bud.
LaVar Ball isn’t a big baller if he can’t beat Air Bud 1-on-1
James Dator has been covering a wide range of sports for SB Nation for over a decade, with a special focus on the NFL.
Air Bud, the dog from the documentary film Air Bud is the best basketball canine in the world. Alongside teammate Josh Framm, Buddy helped lead the Fernfield Timberwolves to an unlikely state championship after league bylaws confirmed that it was legal for a dog to play basketball. A rule that set the precedent for other dog athletes like Air Bud: Golden Receiver, Air Bud: World Pup and Dog the Bounty Hunter, who holds a Hawaii state record in curling.
Before you take on the GOAT you need to beat the PUP. That’s my message for LaVar. If he’s able to defeat Buddy in a game of one-on-one then he cements himself as the best player in an entire genus. If he can’t beat a dog one-on-one, then he’s not a Big Baller.
Nobody will ever argue that Air Bud could beat Michael Jordan, so by the law of transitive property we solve whether LaVar could beat MJ by having him play against a golden retriever.
The stakes.
If Air Bud wins:
A new line of dog-only apparel is added to “Big Baller Brand.” Air Bud receives 100 percent of sales.
If LaVar Ball wins:
The makers of Air Bud, Warner Bros, will put LaVar into their upcoming remake of Space Jam. LaVar will star as LeBron James’ personal basketball coach. There will be a line in the movie where LeBron says: “I learned everything from you coach — not that old guy” and points to a photo of Michael Jordan.
Tale of the tape.
Air Bud vs. LaVar Ball
Air Bud | LaVar Ball |
|---|---|
| 2'0 | 6'6 |
| 65 pounds | 320 pounds |
| 60" | 30" (estimated) |
| 19 | 48 |
| Buddy | Big Baller |
| Two-pawed dunk | Sucking in a rec league game |
| 38" | Unknown |
| Love, kindness, is a dog | Trash talk, famous dad |
Who would win?
Comparing players is tough when the competitors are from the same species, let alone having wildly different skills. LaVar’s big advantage is his ability to muscle Air Bud in the paint, a problem the dog will have all afternoon.
That said, we do have some film we can look at.
LaVar tends to get overconfident in transition and this causes to lapses in concentration. In a rec league game these were sometimes punished, but he was able to get away with a lot -- simply because of the level of competition.
The issue is that Air Bud preys on overconfidence. He did it when he led the Timberwolves to a championship and was written off as “just a dog,” and once again by ensuring his previous owner, Norm Snively, was arrested for animal cruelty. Other people’s hubris is fuel for this dog.
We’ll turn it over to you. Who’s got this?
