Inflation. It happens if you’re a currency, it happens if you’re a balloon — it’s an everyday concern if you own a bouncy castle business where inflation is increasing the cost of your inflation. It’s also a phenomenon that’s happening to championship rings.
By the year 2213, championship rings will be the size of houses
This is a glimpse into the future.
James Dator has been covering a wide range of sports for SB Nation for over a decade, with a special focus on the NFL.
In 15 years, the Stanley Cup champions ring has doubled in size. They’ve become more elaborate, more expensive, and more garish. Using advanced scientific modeling, we’ve looked into what will happen in the 15-year doubling trend continues, and the results are astonishing.
There has been no official announcement of raw weight of the ring, though the stones alone come it at a whopping 10.2 carats. We can estimate the ring is in-line with the recent weight of Super Bowl rings, which would put it around 4.4 ounces, give or take. Considering this let’s run it through the model:
- 2033: The ring needs to be supported by two fingers. Its weight is 8.8 ounces, roughly that of a hamster.
- 2048: The championship ring is dead. Players are now awarded jewel encrusted knuckle dusters. The weight is now over a pound.
- 2063: Players are awarded two knuckle dusters. This leads to the rise of underground athlete fight clubs where champions box with their trophies for pinks.
2078: Deciding things have gotten too out of hand, leagues ban the championship dusters in favor of one large championship gauntlet. It weighs 4 pounds.
- 2093: Players get two gauntlets.
- 2108: Rings now weigh 16 pounds. The only solution is to fashion championship pumpkins, which players proudly display at Halloween.
- 2123: Champions receive jewel-encrusted medieval helmets after rampant theft of championship pumpkins causes October crime sprees.
- 2138: Now weighing 64 pounds, players are given full suits of championship armor. It’s a welcome decision that helps protect players while they are beaten on the streets for their championship helmets.
- 2153: The “Championship sack of flour” is quickly discontinued when players don’t understand why this is their reward.
- 2168: In an effort to return to simplicity teams award rings again, but each player gets 250 rings. These are quickly sold on a secondary market, and over the following decade roughly three-quarters of the population is in possession of a ring.
- 2183: Championship dumpsters are now a thing. This proves to be both effective and useful.
- 2198: The stage collapses following Super Bowl CCXXXII when the first-time winning Cleveland Browns are awarded a total of 54,272 pounds of championship grand pianos.
2213: The state of Montana is acquired by the federal government through eminent domain to become an independent athlete colony for champions. Players live quiet lives with their families inside championship yurts, which are awarded to winners.
