We checked, and Duke Basketball is absolutely still not cool

There are things in this life that are universal truths. Water is wet, fire is hot, and Duke sucks. Those first two will never change, but that last one — that one is somehow being debated, and I just can’t handle it.

We live in an era where not only is Duke signing the most exciting players in college basketball, and somehow those players are making Duke cool through osmosis. At least to some people. To me they will always suck. I say that not as a judgement of their quality, but in the same way getting socks as a gift sucks. Duke is the equivalent of the socks given to you by the uncool aunt, the well drink that costs double what it should, the slightly overcooked omelette where the edges are brown. None of them are bad, they just all kinda suck.

In January, our own Mike Rutherford made a compelling argument for Duke being cool. It credits their culture overhaul, and bringing in one-and-done players for giving Duke a facelift, and even I, staunch believer in Duke sucking, buys in a little bit.

Then there’s Zion Williamson. Y’all didn’t think I would gloss over him, right? Williamson is one of the coolest dudes in basketball, period. He’s probably going to break a backboard this year and do 100 other ludicrous things we didn’t think possible of a 280-pound power forward. He’s a mix between Dominque Wilkins, Larry Johnson, and Charles Barkley — such a bizarre, impossible combo that Ricky O’Donnell just calls him “a refrigerator with wings,” which is a damn sight better than anything I can come up with.

If there’s one player capable of making an entire organization cool it’s Williamson. We should all be jealous he’s not playing for our team, and salivating for the eventuality of him entering the NBA.

They’re Duke.

I don’t have a strong breakdown of a basketball culture shift, or argument why — it’s just that all this work, all this effort, all this amazing Zion-ness is not enough to fundamentally alter the course of decades of suckitude.

Duke is unquestionably the least-cool thing in Durham, a city that has quickly become one of the coolest in North Carolina. Its students aren’t cool, regardless of what their expensive cars would tell you. They will grow up to run the country and lead industry, and your boss isn’t cool.

You can respect Duke. You can appreciate their donations to science and medicine and, yes, even college basketball. They’re like expensive gin. You can love them, appreciate their complexity — and also realize they’re going to be called lame by a cool 20-something sipping on Henny. The culture shift, Zion, all of it — they’re clothing. Clothing that is absolutely cool, but just a covering for something patently uncool.

Duke is an insurance adjuster in a Supreme shirt.

Duke is a microbiologist in Air prestos.

Duke is a sports blogger trying to pretend he knows what clothes are cool while wearing sweatpants.

The team is going to be great. Duke is going to be so much fun to watch — but they will never be cool.