I want to munch on this giant, flaming s’mores mascot

The Rocky Mountain Vibes announced their new team name back in November, but it wasn’t until Thursday that we witnessed Toasty in his true form.

Normally I wouldn’t consider eating something that wears shoes, but I’ll make an exception for Toasty. I really like everything that’s going on with this delicious sandwiched confection and I want him to get in my mouth.

Perfect level of golden toastiness. Good size. I like the slight buckling, which tells me it’s barely able to contain the marshmallow within.

All I want in this world is to eat a marshmallow four times the size of my head. Call it a bucket list item, something on my dream board — it’s everything I could ever want.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “James, it’s a little weird to eat a marshmallow with a face, right?” Oh, you would be so wrong, dear reader. Toasty has a sly-ass smile that beckons you to take a bite of his face. The sunglasses also say “my future’s so bright I gotta wear shades, and also my future is getting in James’ mouth.”

There are two types of s’mores connoisseurs in the world: Burners and turners.

The turner believes in lightly toasting the marshmallow by indirect heat in an effort to achieve melt without carbonization. These people are fine, but have too much time on their hands.

I am a burner. The life of a husky gentleman does not believe in waiting to achieve perfection when it comes to the world of the s’more. I want it on fire, flaming, charred and delicious. Crammed in my face hole with a level of rapidity that will singe the roof of my mouth and render it useless for the rest of the night. It’s a small price to pay to enjoy deliciousness.

Toasty’s flame looks like it was lit by a wizard, or perhaps a magical adept. I see no singe on its head mallow, leading me to believe this is a new kind of s’more toasting technique I need to try.

I don’t even know what these are, but I have to eat them. I’ve never eaten a s’more with legs before — so this is uncharted territory. Are they more marshmallow? Chocolate? A delight the likes of which I’ve never had before?

I need to eat them to see.

Toasty, I like everything that you’ve got going on and would like to eat you.

Thank you for your time.