Inside Derek Jeter’s retirement gift basket

As I was composing this list, some folks started a #Jeterfarewellgifts hashtag. So I get that this idea isn’t terribly original. Or funny. But it is thorough.

Derek Jeter is a fan of thoughtful gestures, so instead of having 29 different opponents give him one gift, why not have all of them collaborate on one giant gift basket? Because it’s hacky? Well, that’s never stopped us before.

Here is each team’s contribution to the Derek Jeter retirement gift basket. Fare thee well, you calm-eyed warrior.

Pirates: Matchbook itemizing the Pirates’ greatest moments since Jeter came into the league

Reds: Skyline Chili, not even in a bowl, just haphazardly poured all over the rest of the gift basket

Cubs: Post-drug-test-celebratory joint made with nothing but ivy in it because, dammit, Cubs

Brewers: Calendar of Derek Jeter ex-girlfriends with a Bernie Brewer head photoshopped on each one

Cardinals: Very, very classy picture frame, thoughtfully carved out of a single piece of alabaster, with a wonderfully touching inscription on the back.

A’s: Taffy that is definitely not made from sewage, no way, just try it

Mariners: A Power Glove that actually works

Rangers: Fan fiction about Joaquin Arias and Derek Jeter fighting crime together

Astros: Charm bracelet made from game-used Jose Altuve gear

Angels: Crappy homemade ashtray in the shape of Jered Weaver’s sneer

Braves: Dan Uggla

Nationals: List of ways Teddy Roosevelt was twice the man Jeter was

Marlins: Signed picture of Jeffrey Loria

Phillies: Notarized, multi-year contract offer

Tigers: One brown contact lens

Twins: Replica of plaque honoring Zoilo Versalles for winning more MVP awards than Derek Jeter

White Sox: Framed 2’x4’, with a microchip of Hawk saying “You can put it on this, Derek. You can put it on this, Derek” whenever you push a button

Indians: Derek Jeter Indians jersey, signed by Paul Shuey

Royals: Chocolate replica of George Brett’s pants

Diamondbacks: Dangerous, uncomfortable chair made from Luis Gonzalez’s broken bat

Dodgers: Diamond necklace with a pendant made from cut-up Honus Wagner T206s

Rockies: One pleasantly moist cigar

Giants: Gift certificate for Huey Lewis & The News to sing a cappella songs below a lucky lady’s balcony on a moonlit night

Padres: Toblerone in a camouflage box

Orioles: Jeffrey Maier’s severed fingers, ostensibly made out of marzipan

Blue Jays: Gag money with pictures of *a queen* on it that Jeter *can’t even spend* in his own country.

Rays: DJ Kitty remix of Suzyn Waldman’s best Jeter calls, set to the beat from Ginuwine’s “Pony”

Red Sox: A dead finch, because **** Derek Jeter

_{Bill Hanstock and Marc Normandin also contributed to this list. They helped with the ones you didn’t like. And thanks to Justin Bopp for the ‘shopped picture.}

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