I live in Madison, Wis., a wonderful little city with a wonderful little free zoo where I take my kids a few times every summer. I love the zoo, and so do my kids. My daughter loves the giraffes, of which there are two. She, being two and not entirely understanding about the concept of boundaries and why they exist, has told me several times she would like to go over the two fences which separate us from these long-necked horses and meet said giraffes, perhaps petting and riding on them in the process. I have told her, “No, honey, that’s not a good idea. We aren’t supposed to go over the fences, and the giraffes wouldn’t know how to play with us.” This usually does not satisfy her, as she continues to pester me about getting to touch the giraffes and make friends. Sorry kid, life is full of disappointments.
Ruben Amaro, the GM most likely to be kicked by a giraffe
You might think that climbing into the giraffe enclosure is safer than jumping into the bear pit, but it’s really not. Similarly, holding tightly to your superannuated veterans is only going to bring you misery, but Phillies GM Ruben Amaro seems genuinely wounded that he got a kick in the face instead of a nibble.
Recently, a grown woman from California succeeded where my daughter had failed, probably because her father also failed to equip her with a good enough reason for not hopping the fence. She waited until a half-hour after the park was closed, entered the giraffe enclosure and then...well, take it away Milwaukee Journal Sentinel:
”Amanda Hall climbed over one fence and was partially through a second fence that surrounds the giraffe exhibit when Wally, a 2-year-old, 12-foot-tall giraffe, licked Hall’s face, then turned and kicked her in the face, police said.
Zoo staff advised that giraffes are capable of killing lions, and that Hall was lucky not to have been more seriously injured, according to police, who cited Hall for harassment of zoo animals, which carries a $686 fine.”
Look, I know this giraffe. This giraffe is sort of a friend of mine. And I don’t believe he was in the wrong here. I mean, I know I’m not allowed to superkick any random person who knocks on my door and stands on my porch, but Wally has not been gifted with the same level of education and the same ideas about social propriety upon which our society continues to hum along, mostly without interruption. Moreover, we should celebrate the fact that, after tasting Ms. Hall’s face, Wally decided against eating her. Giraffes are vegetarians, but hey, extraordinary provocations sometimes call for extraordinary measures.
Ungrateful for her narrow escape from giraffe-y doom, Hall was clear to the Los Angeles Times that she was going to contest the fine, saying “I was not trying to harm the giraffe. I just don’t think it’s fair. I got hit in the face by a giraffe. I had to deal with all that. That was a lot of pain to deal with already. I don’t need a fine and this on my record. I don’t ‘harass’ zoo animals. I’m an animal lover.”
Giraffe ossicones. The fine hairs do little to reduce the pain of impalement. (Wikimedia Commons)
It’s hard to tell exactly how Hall thought this encounter with the normally graceful but exceedingly private giraffe was going to end for her. Maybe she thought they would cuddle. What she clearly should have expected was a well-placed kick to the jaw. There are only so many possible outcomes with a giraffe, some involving hairy horns, some hooves. I mean, what the hell else did she think was going to happen?
Ms. Hall is much like Ruben Amaro, the embattled Phillies general manager. Amaro came into 2014 with a veteran roster full of declining players. Amaro was optimistic before the season began, saying his aged team, coming off of 81-81 and 73-89 seasons in 2012 and 2013, respectively, had the talent to win the NL East and the World Series. The only players of note, however, that he added to were a 36-year-old right fielder, Marlon Byrd, and a 37-year-old pitcher, A.J. Burnett. Byrd has held his own but Burnett, despite his recent 12-strikeout start against the Nationals, has been a disaster. Philadelphia could lose 90 games for the first time since 2000. I mean, what the hell else did he think was going to happen?
Ruben Amaro: he tries. (Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports)
Amaro allowed mainstays Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley, potentially decent assets, to get their 10-and-5 no-trade rights. At the trade deadline, nobody wanted to give up honest-to-gosh prospects for gone-dead train Ryan Howard and Byrd, and he was frustrated that other teams "weren't aggressive" in acquiring his players and thought somebody should have "stepped up." According to Ken Rosenthal, he's still "surprised" that teams aren't beating down his door to acquire $13 million per year closer-in-decline Jonathan Papelbon. What the hell else did he think was going to happen?
Now Amaro can't decide whether he is going to promote top prospect Maikel Franco, citing a lack of plate appearances available for the 22 year old. Instead, the Phillies will continue to play 24 year old Cody Asche (.246/.303/.375) at third base and Howard (.222/.308/.377) at first. When Howard needs a day off, or is facing a tough lefty, the Phillies will instead apparently turn to Andres Blanco or Freddy Galvis at first base, since coach Larry Bowa is taking the time to show them how to play it. Galvis is 4-for-47 this year, but he's a much better hitter than that -- he's got a career slugging percentage of .392 against left-handed pitchers, which practically makes him Jonny Gomes. I wonder how they'll do. No, just kidding, we know what is going to happen.
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Maikel Franco. (David Manning-USA TODAY Sports)
Franco hasn’t had a great year at Triple-A Lehigh Valley (.255/.296/.429), although his bat came alive in the second half, with 10 home runs in 158 at-bats since the break. If you think about it, that’s the purpose of a player being in the minor leagues -- the end is more important than the beginning, because perhaps it signifies that he learned something, conquered the level. Nevertheless, Franco’s time will wait until 2015 at the earliest, perhaps because he’s not ready, or maybe because Ruben Amaro is too wrapped up in his own vision for how his team should look to work in one of the most promising hitters in the minor leagues.
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It could be Amaro is the world’s greatest optimist, believing that with just a few more September plate appearances, Ryan Howard will rise like Lazarus and justify the two years remaining on his contract. Ultimately, whatever decision he makes, I have no confidence that it’s going to be the right one. Some people just can’t help sticking their face where it doesn’t belong, and need that kick in the jaw to remind them why they were supposed to stay out in the first place. For the sake of Phillies fans, who have dropped the team’s average attendance by an average of nearly 8000 empty seats per game, here’s hoping that there’s a fresh, unkicked face leading the way next year.
Or, you know, the Phillies could try that zoo enclosure one more time and hope that Amaro, who is still trying to put his own stamp on the team he inherited from Pat Gillick, finally figures it out. If at first you don’t succeed, giraffe, giraffe again.
