A guide to possible ‘Survivor’ outcomes for John Rocker

Life is a good deal more pleasant when you are not thinking about John Rocker. There’s not a lot of fun in remembering Rocker in his brief, loud Amphetamized Hamsteak prime or his long and ongoing second act as an aggrieved, increasingly un-famous bigot. John Rocker has always been a one-note public figure, and that note has always been Heavily Amplified Attempt To Belch “Sweet Home Alabama.” He is an ATV with a confederate flag paint job crashing into a port-a-potty, forever. To forget about Rocker, for a moment or a decade, is a delight.

But a world without John Rocker is not the world we live in, and Wednesday night will see Rocker’s debut on season 29 of CBS’ long-running reality program and experiment in anti-human pessimism “Survivor.” Rocker is not quite back -- he is never coming back, except as the answer to the question “what if Mark Wohlers had been less effective and also a total bigoted a-hole.” But Rocker just keeps on refusing to leave.

This will be just as vexingly true when Rocker is eventually voted off whatever island is playing host to this “Survivor” season. It is true that the moral arc of the universe is long, and that it bends toward everyone eventually deciding to just forget John Rocker forever. For the time being, though, we’re sort of stuck with him.

In the interest of making the best of this bad situation, here are some odds on how Rocker will fare on “Survivor.” All odds are for entertainment purposes only, unless you can find someone willing to take these bets.

15-to-1 -- Rocker quickly isolates himself from both tribes and establishes the Free Republic Of Rockeria on a separate part of the island. As the first President of Rockeria, he decrees that his new island nation will take a comparatively laissez-faire approach to anabolic steroids and amphetamines, forbid “immigrants of all types,” and use Alex Jones Male Vitality Formula as currency. Days later, a near-starving Rocker is overthrown in a bloodless coup by an iguana.

13-to-1 -- Rocker is removed from the show by producers after a scene in which he is shown saying, “I’m the furthest thing from a racist you could meet, but I think [135 seconds of continuous bleep].

10-to-1 -- In the first episode, Rocker’s attempt at remaining anonymous on the show is foiled when he tells a long and offensive joke about (non-Jewish) former Atlanta Braves teammate Kerry Ligtenberg being Jewish.

8-to-1 -- As part of an ill-conceived and thunderously unsuccessful attempt at team-building, Rocker tries to bond with his tribe by attempting to guess their favorite racial and ethnic slurs.

5-to-1 -- For reasons known only to him, Rocker comes to believe that host Jeff Probst is “at least half Puerto Rican,” and refuses to talk to him.

3-to-1 -- After alienating everyone in his tribe and struggling in consecutive challenges, Rocker is eliminated, then goes on some awful Internet radio show and blames it on Jews or the working poor or something.

1-to-1 -- Rocker does well in challenges requiring upper body strength, but is eliminated because everyone finds him pretty much insufferable.

3-to-5 -- Rocker is eliminated from the competition by a person of color, a woman, a gay person, or some other person he thinks less of because they are superficially different from him. He doesn’t notice the irony in this.